Dating as an Adult Child of Divorce, Part 2: Abandonment
Also in this series:
“From the fear of being forgotten, deliver me Jesus.” - The Litany of Humility
“Can a woman forget her nursing child, or show no compassion for the child of her womb? Even these may forget, yet I will not forget you.” - Isaiah 49:15
When I was in middle school, there were some kids in my neighborhood that I thought were the definition of cool. They lived in the more expensive houses up the street and were always hanging out together. I watched from afar, always wondering what it would be like to hang out with them. Then one day, they asked me to come to one of their houses! I was intimidated by them, but I obviously couldn’t say no. I gathered up my courage and decided to go have a good time with them. They wanted to play this game on a trampoline. It was basically tag, while jumping, and whoever was ‘it’ had to close their eyes. So edgy and dangerous! So they said, “ok, Rebecca, you’re it!”
I took a deep breath, closed my eyes, and started to jump. Arms flailing, I didn’t feel anything, but lest I get accused of cheating, I kept my eyes closed. Then, a few moments later, I didn’t feel anyone but me jumping. I opened my eyes. They were all gone. They left me there alone, eyes closed, arms flailing, jumping around. I was mortified. I slowly climbed off the trampoline and walked home, head down.
I never hung out with those “friends” again--partly because I was humiliated, but mostly because they never invited me to play again. Twenty years later, this memory still lives vividly in my mind. Why is that? I’m almost positive every middle schooler that has ever existed has been treated this way at least once. But more than that, I think this incident is such an apt metaphor for how we adult children of divorce approach relationships, dating or otherwise. I enter into dating relationships assuming it’s a trick. Because if you assume it’s not genuine, the blow of inevitably being left behind or forgotten won’t sting, or at least not as bad as it did for me, climbing off that trampoline all those years ago.
This fear can stem from many things, but ultimately, our parents’ abandonment of their covenantal vows - and in certain real ways, their abandonment of us - creates a fear that we too will be forgotten, abandoned, by everyone from acquaintances to the person we fall in love with.
But it’s not hopeless! Our fear of abandonment can be transformed to allow for a freer, more enjoyable dating life if we can both recognize what the fear is, and name exactly what it is that we want instead. I think the fears involved, in chronological order, are as follows: 1) the continual fear of your parents ceasing to love you because of something you did or said, leading to 2) the notion that all people’s loyalty to you is contingent on you being perfect, finally culminating in 3) the constant anxiety of people forgetting about you because you are not perfect. These fears stand in the way of what we all want: to be wanted fully, in our totality; to feel at peace in our relationships; and to love without fear.
To address the first fear of losing our parents’ love, going back to the start provides helpful insights. For me, my parents’ divorce wasn’t clean and it wasn’t clear. There was no good guy or bad guy, no one on whom I could place the blame so that I could adequately compartmentalize the situation and give myself some peace. Instead, feeling badly for both, I try to be everything for each, carefully curating my personality to fit their needs. When this inevitably becomes exhausting, I internally revolt, and feel angry that I have to do this “dance” in the first place. Then I try to distance myself from them. And, inevitably, I feel guilty for doing this, and quickly become everything to each once again because of the fear that they will be disappointed and distance themselves from me for good.
The feeling of guilt and the fear of not being loved make setting boundaries impossible. And that leaves me constantly anxious and without peace. For me, this translated into my dating life as avoiding conflict at all costs (conflict will be discussed in the next part of the series). Afraid that expressing my displeasure about anything would disappoint my significant other, I avoided speaking out and tried to be what he needed at all times. To me, this was a better alternative than him distancing himself, or leaving altogether.
This mentality--that people’s loyalty to you is contingent on you being perfect--exacerbates our fear of abandonment and prevents us from being our true selves. For me, this fear also manifests itself in second-guessing all of my interactions with friends or romantic interests, thinking that this time, I really have annoyed them too much and I won’t be hearing from them again. I apologize profusely for the slightest inconveniences I place on friends, and I give gifts or send thank-yous to people for the smallest acts of charity they express towards me.
Dating-wise, I was constantly making sure my boyfriend was happy, with my observation skills on overdrive all the time. I gave him little gifts, and apologized constantly if he was ever inconvenienced on my account. While my material charity and respect for others’ time has earned me a reputation for being very generous, it is less known that a lot of these acts (though not all of them) are motivated by fear. You see, if I’m generous enough, If I always inconvenience myself instead of the other person, and if I never indicate I’m upset about anything they are doing, the friend or person I’m dating won’t have reason to be upset with me, and can thus never forget about me or leave! Fool-proof plan, right!? Except that it leaves you totally and completely miserable!
In sum, the fear of being forgotten is what prevents me from being at peace in my relationships, especially dating ones. When I was in a serious relationship, I often felt paralyzed. If he took a while to call or text me back, my mind defaulted to “he is annoyed and forgot we had plans.” However, I never showed any of these anxieties on my face, having had many years of practice in suppressing these feelings while being a high-functioning member of society. All of these feelings stayed at a comfortable distance from the surface--my own inner private torment. The fear of being forgotten knowingly or unknowingly guides my actions and, in my experience, has made serious dating nearly impossible.
How do we transform these unhealthy feelings and habits so we can enjoy our relationships, dating or otherwise? How do we get ourselves to “do what normal people do”? (As a friend recently advised me.) Well, I think it looks different for everyone. But there are common things we can all do to help get us out of our inner “panic rooms”. For starters, I bounce my anxieties off of a very trusted friend and ask, “Is this a reasonable thing to feel given the situation?” Her answers help keep me grounded and know when I should take action, or when I should reject a reaction as distorted. I also analyze the situation and ask myself if it is something I should be truly worried about or if it is simply a lack of trust in Divine Providence. (It is usually the latter). To combat this, I say a prayer I wrote a few years ago to remind me that God has not forgotten about me: “Jesus, I trust in your merciful love. Jesus, I trust in your merciful goodness. Jesus, I trust that you have a plan for me.”
Most fundamentally, what I have tried to internalize is that relationships aren’t a “trick”. Unlike that embarrassing trampoline moment many years ago, the people in my life aren’t watching for my most vulnerable moment so they can up and leave. When dating, whether on a first date or six months in, understanding that people’s love for you is genuine and not contingent on your ‘performance’ as girlfriend or boyfriend is crucial to being at peace and progressing in a healthy way in the relationship. So if you feel yourself opening up the door to your inner panic room, invite Jesus in there with you and say “Jesus, I trust in your merciful love.” His love will guide you through this process of dating, and even if you have your own trampoline-type moment, rest assured that Christ never, ever forgets you, and take peace in that.
***
*Pseudonym used for privacy’s sake and with the permission of the author.
Rebecca attended a Life-Giving Wounds Retreat in 2019 and was amazed at the amount of healing and bonding that occurred in just three days. She decided to be as involved as she could with this burgeoning ministry. In her spare time, she loves reading, baking, and listening to podcasts!