One of the most common requests we receive in Life-Giving Wounds ministry is that we speak more to the issue of annulments. Even though this would be a great topic for a support group meeting (and may well be addressed in that format in the future), I thought I’d share my own thoughts on the matter. In this post, I hope to provide a few pointers and some encouragement.

Let’s start with the ‘what is it? question. First of all, an annulment (more accurately referred to as a “Declaration of Nullity”) is not the Church dissolving a marriage bond. Some may refer to annulments as “Catholic divorce,” but this is not accurate. Rather, a declaration of nullity is just that: a declaration by the Church that there was an impediment which kept a marriage bond from being confected in the first place; in other words, it says that an attempt at marriage may have been made, but it was lacking in a fundamental way (e.g., the attempt was missing free will or consent) and so the purported marriage was “null” or not truly in existence. This decision can only be reached by way of thorough investigation and a lengthy paper trial. 

For children in these situations (like me), it’s difficult enough to have to deal with our parents getting divorced. To then be told that our parents’ marriage was invalid in the first place? This can often be confusing and even more devastating than the civil divorce. It has been said that parental divorce can make a child feel as though the ground is opening up beneath him; a declaration of nullity can amplify this experience to the max. We might ask ourselves: Who am I, now that my parents’ marriage has been declared invalid? Am I a mistake in some way? And what should I think about all of the memories and experiences we had growing up when my parents were presumed to be married? Were they real?

If this is your situation, I would encourage you to try to see the bigger picture: the Church is trying to defend and protect the truth about marriage, in both positive and negative judgements in annulment cases. I want to tell a bit of my story to illustrate.

My parents are Catholic and came from Catholic families. I am the oldest of six children. We were all put through Catholic school, we went to Mass every Sunday, we prayed the rosary together as a family. We received all our sacraments and had religious art around our home. By all accounts, I was a member of a big, happy, Catholic family. For all I knew, nothing was ever going to change - it never even crossed my mind.

But while I was in college, everything fell apart. During my senior year, my parents separated and divorced. A few years later, an annulment was petitioned for and granted. As a result of this unexpected upheaval of everything I thought to be true and permanent, I struggled with anxiety attacks for a few years. Since I had so many questions about what the heck had just happened, I set out on a quest for answers. What is love? What is marriage? On what grounds can annulments be granted? And what exactly was lacking in my parents’ marriage? 

After graduating college, I went on to study at the John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family precisely because I had these questions about marriage. We have perhaps all heard that to love someone is to will the good of the other, but what radically transformed my own vision of love was learning that love is a gift. Being a gift, it must be freely given. A gift is not truly a gift if it was coerced, manipulated, claimed, or paid for. Marriage then is a special kind of gift, a mutual and sincere gift of self, which means that the freedoms at stake are ever greater. I also learned that, among the various grounds for the nullity of a marriage listed in Canon Law is a lack of freedom on the part of the man and woman attempting to enter into marriage. (Some other possible sources of nullity are intention against fidelity, intention against permanence, error of judgment, intention against children, etc.) In terms of lack of freedom, for example, marriage is invalid if one of the persons was already married, was a professed virgin or celibate, was enslaved by their suitor, etc. As I learned these things, I had to dig up my own family story to see if my parents were lacking some degree of freedom.

In my investigation, I (re-)discovered that I had been conceived out of wedlock. There is a sense in which I had always known this, but it only came to the surface as I began inquiring. My parents were friends in high school, and then got together in college and had me (and my twin brother). They got married after they finished college and had my other four siblings over the next many years. There had always been problems between my parents, even though I didn’t always see them. All of this family history was very tough for me to accept.

But reflecting on what I knew about my family as an adult, I think I understand why a tribunal declared my parents’ marriage to have been invalid: they had two kids that tied them to each other, and I’m sure there was lots of pressure from their Catholic families to rectify the situation by getting married. I imagine it’s difficult to freely marry someone if you’re already obligated to care for a child (or in this case, children) together with that person. Right? It’s got to be difficult to freely marry someone if everyone is telling you that you have to do so.

Before I conclude, I would like to suggest that instead of pressuring cohabiting couples to marry, we should help them recover their freedom. I’m certainly not saying that two people who have made mistakes should never marry - I’m just saying that their love should be purified somehow. What that looks like would have to be the subject of a different paper.

In any case, it can be difficult to accept that there was something missing in mom and dad’s marriage. If this is where you are at, it’s okay to acknowledge you still have wounds that are in need of healing arising out of this situation; after all, I too experienced genuine love between my parents in many of my memories growing up I mentioned above, regardless of the status of their marriage, and so I also grieve the loss of the love of my parents together as well. At the same time, I also invite you to shift your paradigm with me.

Canon lawyer Fr. Christopher Singer, chancellor of the Diocese of Erie, puts it this way: “A declaration of nullity does not in any way negate the genuine love, devotion, and friendship that the man and woman had for each other and their children. It’s just that, for sometimes complex human reasons, that love did not reach the level of becoming sacramental and indissoluble.” 

You are not “illegitimate,” a mistake, or flawed; you were lovingly conceived in the heart of the eternal Father, who can never be “nullified” and who made you in absolute freedom! The world did not force God to create you, but guess what- he did create you! God so loved the world that he gave it: you. Think about that. You are a unique and unrepeatable gift. Imagine what God must have in mind for your life! Let the world see what awesome and beautiful things God can do through someone with a crazy family situation.

Prayer for Those From a Broken Home*

O Eternal Father,

You created me in your image and likeness and you long to hold me always in your loving embrace. Your love has sustained me in my trials and struggles.

Each day, I will live as a beloved child of God, confident in your divine mercy. I will place in you all my trust and hope, for you lift my gaze from shame, fear, and the pain of division to your unparalleled love for me on the cross.

By the power of Christ’s great wounds, heal the wounds left in my life by the tragedy of my parents’ separation or divorce, or family brokenness. Help me love, despite the pain. Help me forgive, no matter how deep the hurt. Help me have peace and virtue when old and new wounds arise. Remain with me, Holy Spirit, so that I may be a wellspring of healing for others.

In Jesus’ Name,

Amen.

St. Helena of Constantinople, patroness of difficult marriages and divorced people, please pray for Adult Children of Divorce or Separation.

About the Author

Alex Wolfe grew up in western Pennsylvania and studied Theology at DeSales University. Through the experience of seeing his parents get divorced while he was in college, Alex decided to study at the John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and the Family in Washington, D.C. He completed the Master of Theological Studies degree and coursework for the Ph.D. 

Alex is now the Assistant Director of the Office of Marriage, Family, and Respect Life at the Diocese of Arlington, where he focuses on marriage preparation and healing for children of divorce. He serves as the Content and Support Group Advisor for Life-Giving Wounds and is a member of the Life-Giving Wounds traveling team.

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals

1. What were your thoughts on annulments prior to reading this article? How did this article impact your understanding of annulments?

2. If your parents have gotten an annulment (Declaration of Nullity), how did that impact you at the time? How did it change your impression of your past, present, and future? If you know someone whose parents have gotten an annulment, how did it impact, from your vantage point, him or her?

3. Read again the last paragraph of the article. Reflect for a moment on it. Write down what is in your mind and heart.