While walking my dog in the neighborhood, I crossed paths with a friend while he was out walking his dog.  He greeted me with a big smile, asked about my son, and eagerly shared the happy news that his eldest son is engaged!   And, he added, “She is just delightful!  We couldn’t be more happy with our son’s choice!”  The conversation quickly turned to our own successful marriages: he and his wife have been married for forty years while my husband and I have been married thirty-two years.   He then began to speak of his parents’ failed marriage.  He mentioned six long years of a hate filled house.  I asked if they got divorced. “Oh yes!” He replied.  “If they hadn’t, I think they would have killed each other!”  I shared with him that my parents were divorced too.  

It is funny how two people can randomly come together, not even close friends, and when they learn that each other's parents are divorced, the level of sharing can immediately dive to the wounded depths.

We both shared intimate details of our very private pasts with each other.  There is a unique language that ACODs possess and use in the same company.  All ACODs recognize it immediately, as well as instinctually recognize the other’s woundedness.  It is the same experience when we attend a Life-Giving Wounds retreat.  The other retreatants are like kinsmen, so to speak.  It is both comforting to be with others that know how you feel and “get it,” as well as sadly sobering to witness so many individuals suffering from the same woundedness with which you suffer.

I shared with my dog-walking friend my Life-Giving Wounds retreat experience, from the fall of 2022.  I shared with him that I experienced healing grace from Christ during and after my retreat that has changed my life forever.  He was amazed and quickly pulled out his phone and wrote a note to himself regarding Life-Giving Wounds.

When he looked up at me, I said to him that I also forgave my mother and stepfather prior to the retreat.  I added that I knew deep down that somehow that forgiveness was crucial to my healing path.  I did not know how or why, but I knew I had to forgive.  

I shared I had attended a five-night retreat at my parish during Lent with my pastor where I learned about forgiveness in a profound, deeply spiritual, and Catholic manner. And, then I said, “I forgave my mother and stepfather that Lent and by Easter I experienced my own resurrection!”

My dog-walking friend looked at me and mildly scoffed, followed by a little chuckle that gave away the hidden anger lying just under the surface.  With composure, he said to me, “I would wholeheartedly forgive anyone who came to me and apologized, said I’m sorry, asked for forgiveness, or showed remorse and repentance for their actions.  But my father and my stepmother have done none of that.”  

“I will never forgive them!”  He further added, “I have not talked to my father in sixteen years.”

There it was… the wounded and hardened heart we frequently read about in the Scriptures. My heart felt sad for my friend.  What do you say to that?  And then this came out of my mouth…

“What would you give for your freedom?  What would you give to get out of your prison cell?”

My dog-walking friend looked at me a bit perplexed.  I immediately said to him, “Don’t answer that question now.  I want you to think about it.”  He quickly said good-bye and turned and continued to walk down the sidewalk.

As I began walking with my dog down the sidewalk in the opposite direction, I thought to myself, “Wow, where did that come from? Those words are a bit hard hitting.  Definitely quite forward.”  But I felt at peace with those words.  I knew he would go home and immediately do an internet search for Life-Giving Wounds, and that he would ponder my words.

I think the Holy Spirit had accompanied me on my walk that day. I do not think I was the only one speaking.

In life, more often than not, we do not get the apology that is due to us. And when we do, it frequently falls short of the words we need to hear. I have come to realize, for my personal situation, there are no words big enough, or deep enough, or sincere enough to compensate for what has been stolen from me.  With this realization, I finally stopped asking and waiting for the apology that does not exist. My pastor says, “It takes one to forgive.  And it takes two for reconciliation.  One can forgive without reconciliation, but one cannot have reconciliation without forgiveness.” I chose forgiveness.

When Christ speaks of “forgiveness,” he speaks not only of us forgiving others, but implores us to find the humility to ask for forgiveness from those we hurt and sin against.  Christ implores us to reconcile ourselves with others as well as with Father God.  Christ wants us to be examples to our spouse and children by teaching them how to ask and give forgiveness.  Furthermore, Christ wants us to be a force of forgiveness in our communities, and, when the rare apology is given to you, Christ wants us to accept it for what it is—regardless if it is small and weak. The apology took humility to offer it to you.  

People share their pain and brokenness with strangers, those who did not perpetrate the injustice upon them, because they have not received the sincere apology and reconciliation that is due to them and it is something for which they, knowingly or unknowingly, seek.  Aware of it or not, they will search for a way to release their pain (or bury it deep within themselves) throughout their life until it is released, or not. When an individual shares their pain with you, do not just offer an expression of silent pity. Rather, say to them, “I am so sorry that happened to you.” Give them a hug, and let your heart open wide in love, empathy, and compassion. As the body of Christ, be the wounded healer. Let us attempt to heal the wounded in our midst by loving them, which will begin and/or continue to repair their brokenness, as well as our own.

Be forgiveness in this very broken world. 

Editor’s note: We would like to highlight a few other resources on forgiveness available through Life-Giving Wounds:

• Forgiveness related blog posts: https://www.lifegivingwounds.org/blog/tag/forgiveness 

• Meola, D., & Meola, B. (2023). Life-giving wounds : a Catholic guide to healing for adult children of divorce or separation. Ignatius Press. | Specifically, chapter 11 (The Wound of Unforgiveness) and chapter 12 (Life-Giving Forgiveness).

Prayer

Holy Spirit,
Be a comforter in my wounded places.
Where I have been painfully wronged,
grant me the grace to extend forgiveness.
Help me create the boundaries I need
to continue to love
without allowing myself to be hurt in the same way again.
I pray I may be whole and free
and able to forgive.

Amen.

(This prayer was found on the Franciscan Media website here.)

About the Author

Teresa is an alumni of Life Giving Wounds.  Her career was in commercial photography.  She now enjoys photographing just for herself.  She is also a published book and editorial author.  Teresa lives in California with her husband and has one adult son. She enjoys hiking weekly the beautiful mountains in her home state where she meets God on the mountain top.  She also enjoys kayaking, boating, skiing, traveling, reading, gardening and cooking for her family and friends.  Teresa loves to laugh and find joy in the small things in life.   

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals

1. Have you had an encounter of sharing your experience unexpectedly with an acquaintance, or a stranger, like the author?

2. What would you give for your freedom?  What would you give to get out of your prison cell?

3. When have you received a sincere apology? When have you given a sincere apology?

4. Has someone shared their pain with you? If so, how did you react?