The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves, by Curt Thompson, has been an important part of my healing journey.

I picked up the book on the recommendation of a friend and a deep desire to dig into the pain of shame that was touching every part of my life. My heart was sore. I was on the path of recovery from habitual sin that had infiltrated my life for half a decade. But I knew there was more to the discomfort that I was holding inside of myself. I knew there was more to my story. After reading The Soul of Shame, I finally understood the root of shame in my life, how it affected me, how it continues to affect me, and how to respond to shame in a way that loosens its hold on my heart. 

What is shame? 

Imagine yourself sitting down and having coffee with every important person in your life: your family, friends, significant other, coworkers. You have a white, ceramic coffee cup in your hands. Suddenly, your coffee cup drops to the floor and breaks into dozens of pieces. Coffee is spilled all over the floor. Your coffee cup is broken.

You blush, your heart begins to race, you feel embarrassed…

You feel guilty [I made a mistake]. 

You feel shame [I am a mistake].

Quickly, you clean up the coffee, pick up the pieces of the coffee cup, and hide them behind your back. You pretend that nothing happened because you fear that the most important people in your life will leave since you made a mistake. Inside your head you start thinking that you are a mistake. And you hold the pieces of the broken cup tighter, breaking open the skin of your hands. You begin to bleed. You hurt. You hide your pain from your family and friends, you do not know how they will respond to your pain. You feel sad and alone. You are too sad. You are too much. You turn away from the others and hide further into yourself.

And the cycle of disconnection continues. 

You are lost in a circle of shame.

The broken coffee cup(s) 

I grew up in a loving home. I remember feeling safe. I knew that God loved me. Trusting this truth was as easy as breathing. Then, one night when I was nine years old, my parents told my sisters and me that they were getting a divorce. My breath was knocked out of me. In a second, my life changed. The only coffee cup I had ever known was broken into a million pieces. I began to cry.

Thompson would say that my parents’ divorce was a “sudden, unexpected force” that I was unable to change. And this event – this intruding force in my life – led to the feeling of being too much for my dad and not enough for my mom. The cycle of shame began before I could even understand my emotions surrounding the event. It began before I could form into words what had happened to me. 

The narrative of shame we tell ourselves can begin in small moments, Thompson says. The broken cup could be a look of disapproval from our parents or words said to us in a condescending tone of voice. Our cup can break even before we are old enough to form our own words. The emotional neglect that is common in the ACOD experience can be the root of shame as well. (See the blog post on the topic of emotional neglect.)

The circle of shame

Before I begin discussing my circle(s) of shame, it is important to know that Thompson emphasizes how essential it is to identify shame in our lives. I cannot do anything to fix my bleeding hands until I look down and realize that I am hurt, and that the broken cups I am holding on to are hurting me. It is good to identify the conscious and unconscious ways in which we feel, think, and act. It can be empowering, even! If you are not ready or able to identify these by yourself, seek out a trusted friend or counselor. In my story, it was necessary that I was in regular contact with a therapist who was dedicated to my well-being and whom I trusted. 

Thompson explains that when you encounter a situation such as dropping your coffee cup, your first response will be the embodied sensation of embarrassment and, simultaneously, we feel the emotion of embarrassment. Next, our emotion quickly becomes a thought or words such as “I am embarrassed.” Then, we choose to behave in a way that isolates us further, reinforcing the feelings of shame and expressing thoughts and words that correspond with shame, which leads to more isolating behaviors. Our feelings, thoughts, and behaviors combine to create a story of disconnection in our lives.

The divorce made me feel sad and angry, but without an outlet to discuss these emotions, I began to tell myself that I was too sad, or too angry. When these big emotions would arise in my small body, I would run to my room and hide under my blanket. I would, quite literally, isolate myself. This in turn would reinforce the feelings of sadness and anger and the shame that I felt surrounding the divorce. 

Though divorce may be one event that initiates the circle of shame in our life, “our own wounding behavior” (p. 143) can renew shame’s grasp as we hold tighter to the broken cup. Our hands become more wounded, cut deep from the broken pieces. Our ability to hold on to the cups that life hands us is limited and more cups drop to the floor. Broken coffee cups beget broken coffee cups.

I did not have any awareness of the pain from my parents’ divorce until I was holding many broken cups, frantically trying to fit the pieces back together, alone. In my shame from not being enough and being too much for my parents, I had internalized that I would never find someone who would love me for who I was because I was broken. This led me to years in an unhealthy relationship and other unhealthy habits which I hid from my family and especially from my closest friends. As Thompson describes, our natural response to shame is to hide, just as Adam and Eve hid from God in the Garden of Eden. And as with Genesis, this action leads to further disconnection with the people in our lives and with God.

A human experience 

We ACODs are not alone in experiencing shame’s potent influence in our lives. Thompson emphasizes that shame is a universal, human experience. 

But as an ACOD, we may have certain common experiences of shame. One or both of our parents may not have been there for us when we needed them. We may have feared abandonment. This feeling could have led to thoughts of “they [insert anyone important to us] will leave because of me.” They will leave because I am too much, or I am not enough. This could then have led us to behaviors used to distract ourselves from this possibility, such as perfectionism or rebellion.  

Shame is a human experience, but so is hope.

The truth is that God remains with us. He does not abandon us. He does not leave us alone, especially in our shame. He chose to embrace embarrassment and shame through His crucifixion on the cross. Instead of hiding, Jesus chose to love us. His death and resurrection are the response to shame. 

We must retell our story in the context of the bigger story of God’s love for us.

Retelling our story

Once we accept that there is hope for our lives in the context of Jesus and His Love for us, Thompson emphasizes that we must open ourselves up to vulnerability and community. 

We must create connection. 

Through vulnerability, we lay our broken coffee cup(s) on the table. This act of revealing our brokenness can feel risky. But how will our bleeding hands be healed without setting down what is hurting us? Through the Sacrament of Reconciliation, I was able to release my hold on the shame I was carrying with me. When I released my hold, I was able to look up into Jesus’ face and see compassion. The joy of being seen and known was overwhelming. 

But the broken cups are still laying on the table. Jesus wants to continue to transform these pieces of clay. Through community, we gather around the table and glue the coffee cup(s) back together. We share in creativity. We laugh. We cry. And when we are finished, it has transformed into something more beautiful than before. A cup with golden threads. A cup that is overflowing with joy.

Shortly after I chose to release my hold on the shame in my life, I encountered the Life-Giving Wounds ministry. Through online retreats, support groups, and friendships, I have experienced more connection and joy in my life. My relationship with Jesus has grown. I encountered a wellspring of healing.

Though I still experience shame, I do not live there anymore. I live in community with others and with God.

“I will place in you all my trust and hope, for you lift my gaze from shame, fear, and the pain of division to your unparalleled love for me on the cross.” – Prayer for Those from a Broken Home

Intercessory Prayer:

St. Dymphana, patron saint of those struggling with shame, pray for us.

About the author:

The author (publishing under her first name) is a daughter of Christ, a sister in the ACOD community, and an educator of young adults.

Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals

1. Have you read The Soul of Shame by Curt Thompson? If so, what did you think of it?

2. Reflect on “the conscious and unconscious ways in which [you] feel, think, and act.” What are your thoughts on shame? Is it something you struggle with as an ACOD?

3. Have you retold your story?