10 Practical Tips for Preparing for Upcoming, Difficult Family Events
Rgamer065, CC BY-SA 4.0, via Wikimedia Commons
What if my mom brings her new boyfriend to Thanksgiving when dad is there? What if I start feeling sad and my much younger sister who did not experience the family divorce the way I did, tells me again to knock it off and just enjoy myself? What if my brother, who is not speaking to dad since he left the family, stomps off to his room? Why can’t we just have Christmas together like we used to? What do I do about inviting people who don’t get along to the same family gathering? Why do I have to include this person in the family picture? If one more person says how nice my "new brother" is, am I going to be able to give a gracious response? Is that my mom’s new husband’s daughter sitting over there in the corner? Why do my kids have to experience all the repercussions of my parents’ divorce? How can we be expected to get the entire family over to my mom and her new husband’s house and then over to my dad’s house with his new wife, and then visit my husband’s parents, all while we are trying to have a peaceful holiday? What do I do when those feelings of low self-worth creep up again when I am around my fractured family? Why do they make me feel like that little nine year old again? How can I get the memories of past family holidays to not color this year’s holidays?
The holidays bring family members together who may or may not resonate with one another, and this happens in any family. When a divorce or separation has occurred, however, it adds much more complexity, perhaps even more so when remarriages have occurred. It can add anxiety, fear, grief, paralysis, perfectionism, self-doubt, feelings of low self-worth, enabling behavior, and more. I work with clients regarding a host of issues related to family, especially those related to being an ACOD, as a mentor and coach in my business Rightly Ordered. I have not spoken to one client who has experienced parental divorce who did not find it to have impacted his or her life greatly.
And, the holidays often bring to light many of these issues. If you have a spouse and children, they may have noticed that you can be particularly restless or sad around holidays, birthdays, and family events. We don’t want to let this spill into our kids’ lives and our spouse’s experience of these family gatherings. But alas, the cloud can start to gather above our heads even days before the event. We may have friends and other guests who are walking on eggshells around us when there are gatherings. We do not want that either. So, let us all take a deep breath knowing we did not cause all of this and knowing there are ways to mitigate—if not completely avoid—some of the pressures we are feeling around the holidays.
If possible, talk to someone ahead of time who can be helpful to you, who knows your situation, and will be there for a “rescue” if needed or just there so you can check in for encouragement if things become overwhelming.
Decide ahead of time what you would like to have accomplished during the event. For example, "I want NOT to have allowed anyone to pull me into an argument. I want to have had a brief conversation with person x, but nothing more” and (prepare a few ideas ahead of time to talk about so it is not awkward). Another example might be wanting to make sure you focused on the purpose of the event. Another might be you want to allow other people to work out their issues without you feeling you have to get involved (assuming they are adults). These can be any goals you have, and if you accomplish them, you have succeeded. So they can be specific and important things or simply, “I want to maintain peace and be pleasant to even those who are difficult.”
Think of two things to say if you get socially “trapped” with someone who brings you anxiety. This could be: “I’m so glad you could make it, and I hope you have a nice evening.” Or “You look lovely this evening, and I have a few things to take care of, but am glad we crossed paths to at least say hello. Enjoy your time here.” Things like that are easy to say and can be prepared to be phrased so that they are true, pleasant, not provocative, and kind.
We are not responsible for how other adults interact. We have to give them “permission” to choose how they will act and allow them to take the responsibility for how it turns out. If we are assigned to fix it, we can say, “I’m really sorry this happened this evening. I wish it had gone better. I do hope in time the two of them can figure out how they would like to interact. Sometimes these things can be awkward and we all have to find our way through.” You really do not have to say even that much, but sometimes we want some words or messages to impart so we can feel prepared. We do not have to fulfill the role of peacemaker or fixer just because we have in the past, or we are asked to do it. Of course, if we want to do that, feel comfortable, and have peace within ourselves that we can share, or if we have a way to de-escalate a situation that we want to employ, that is fine. After all, blessed are the peacemakers (cf. Matthew 5:9). But, some people feel like they are always asked to fix other people’s problems and arguments, and that keeps those people from taking that responsibility themselves.
Remember that the divorce has taken enough of your peace, stability, time, emotional energy, focus, etc. Let’s not let it steal today from you. Give yourself permission to enjoy an event.
If people try to stir things up, try to make us feel nine years old again or like our thoughts or feelings are incorrect, let’s have some CES (conversation ending statements) in our back pockets. “I hear you, but that was not my experience.” “We remember things differently.” And then change the subject.
And here is a specific one if you have a tendency to cry when you do not want to cry in public. Ask yourself if you have cried about this before. Sometimes it helps to say to yourself, “I’ve cried about this before, and I don’t choose to cry now about it. I’ll can cry later if I choose to.” Sometimes just saying, “Oh, I’ve cried about this before” can help us realize we do not have to let the circumstances mandate when we react. We have a choice in that moment. (Of course that is not always the case, but often when it comes up and overcomes us, we can see it coming and we may be able to choose to not feed that fire.) This is not just a mind game, but a muscle we can make stronger with practice. A certain song comes on and makes us cry. We can choose to turn it off and not let it take our Tuesday. When we begin to tell ourselves that we have a choice in some of these things, it helps. I often say, “Nope, you don’t get my Tuesday.” Practice that often. Then when we get to the event, we can say, “Nope, you don’t get to steal my enjoyment of this event.”
A big family event may just not be the place to finally set things straight, finally have the “big conversation.” If you tend to impulsively just go for it and start a dreaded conversation, decide ahead of time to not do it at the event. Alternatively, if it is someone else who may stir things up, it may be possible to speak ahead of time with someone, if that person is reasonable, and ask if a certain ongoing feud could be postponed and not brought up at a certain event. However, if people choose to be provocative, then they do; they have to take the consequences. We are responsible for ourselves and having a charitable interaction with each person. Others will do what they will. If asking seems prudent and the person reasonable, it may be worth a try.
Of course, you don’t want to continually choose to be in situations where you are mistreated. However, if you want to be at this event, then think to yourself, “I am attending this because I want to be here, and this is part of it, not the part I like, but it will not overwhelm the part I like.” So, at this event, choose humility. Provocative things can be left without a response. If suffering at the event is unavoidable, try to think of someone for whom you can offer your suffering, even if it is something like this: “Well, that was painful. I don’t want this suffering to go to waste. I gladly accept it and offer my suffering for X." Then know that although you could not avoid the pain, it was not wasted. If this conflict can be resolved another time, then great. You can even say: “We can talk about that sometime soon, but I’m going to enjoy the event today. I hope you do as well."
Remember that you really only have to get up today to please God, and that is the focus. We are to love him and treat others well. For the event and the preparations ahead of it, start your day thinking that and remind yourself of that when needed. We are not driving anyone else’s vehicle. We don’t have to make things okay for everyone. If we please God, that is enough. Tomorrow is another day.
When Christmas arrives, we hear in that beautiful song O Holy Night: “He appeared and the soul felt its worth.” May we approach the holidays knowing our worth as children of God. May we be present, grateful, joyful, and open to making new holiday memories.
Intercessory Prayer:
St. Eugene de Mazenod, patron of dysfunctional families, please keep all of us ACODs in your prayers as we navigate this holiday season.
About the Author:
A long ago and enthusiastic convert to Catholicism, LeeAnne lives with her husband and near her adult children and grandchildren in the Phoenix area most of the year, with a few months of the year in Europe near her husband’s parents. LeeAnne has been a coach, mentor, workshop creator, author, trainer, speaker, peer counselor, and manager. Her revamped website RightlyOrdered.org will be live again by the end of the year. She has worked for decades with individuals and organizations to encourage healthy relationships, healed marriages, ordered and organized homes and lives, healing from family of origin issues, etc, and that is the thrust of her current work. Parental divorce is an issue that animates her understanding of pain and healing, as well as leading her to lean into the Source of Love, Our Lord. Contact her at LeeAnneAbel@RightlyOrdered.org.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
What are some of the challenges (mental or physical) you experience in preparing for holiday family gatherings?
Is there tension between you and someone, or some group, that regularly surfaces during family gatherings?
What steps do you take to prepare for family gatherings?
What other tips would you like to add to the above list?