"But what about abuse and toxic relationships?” (Or: So, about that viral reel…)
Let the Children of Divorce Come to Me painted by the artist Michael Corsini, commissioned by and in consultation with us, Life-Giving Wounds ministry.
A few weeks back, Life-Giving Wounds social media coordinator Jen made a short reel for our Instagram page. The reel, a mere five seconds long, featured this audio clip: “This might be an unpopular opinion, but I’m going to share it anyways” with this text on the screen: “Divorce impacts the children involved and causes a deep wound.”
The reel’s caption expanded on this point further, and invited viewers to connect with Life-Giving Wounds if they are looking for healing from the wounds caused by their parents’ divorce.
Pretty straightforward, right?
But what happened next surprised all of us. As of this writing, the reel has been seen by almost 17,000 people, has close to 400 likes, and (the subject of this post) almost 40 comments. These numbers are BIG for our small-and-growing ministry! (It’s definitely the most “viral” thing we’ve ever posted!)
Instructively (although not surprisingly), one theme came up in almost half of the comments, which could be summarized as: Okay, maybe divorce is bad for kids – maybe – but other things are way worse.
Here are some examples. Replying to our message of “Divorce impacts the children involved and causes a deep wound,” some commenters said:
“so does staying in unhappy and unsafe marriages”
“living with abuse isn’t fun either”
“divorce is better than child abuse”
“better two happy parents apart than two miserable parents together”
And so on
We think the “reach” of this reel means that it struck a chord with many people. And we thought it could be a valuable teaching moment to respond to the themes raised in the comments. (We’ll pass over the comment that questioned our ministry’s legitimacy because we have a “gift shop” on our website…comment sections can descend into interesting places!)
So, here are three points for your reflection, in dialogue with the “moment” of this reel and the reactions to it:
1.) The Church is against BOTH divorce AND people being abused in families
Some of the comments on the reel – which echo remarks we have heard at other points – seemed to imply that if you hold that divorce wounds children and is therefore bad and to be avoided, then you are dooming abused spouses and vulnerable children to dangerous domestic situations.
But this couldn’t be further from the truth, for both Church teaching and (because our faith is our foundation) for our ministry.
Church teaching is clear that a valid, sacramental marriage is indissoluble (unable to be broken by any human action), and that divorce wounds both spouses and children. The Catechism of the Catholic Church says that divorce “brings grave harm to the deserted spouse” and “to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them” (no. 2385, emphasis added).
But this clear and unequivocal teaching on the permanence of marriage and the tragedy of divorce does not mean that the Church says abused and mistreated spouses and children ought to stay in dangerous situations. Quite the contrary. Canon law is clear that physical separation of spouses is morally legitimate in situations where “either of the spouses” is causing “grave mental or physical danger to the other spouse or to the offspring or otherwise renders common life too difficult” (Code of Canon Law, 1153.1). And the Catechism says that even civil divorce may be morally legitimate in certain cases, such as when it “remains the only possible way of ensuring certain legal rights, the care of the children, or the protection of inheritance” (no. 2383).
Both St. John Paul II and – quoting him – Pope Francis describe spousal separation as a “last resort, after all other reasonable attempts at reconciliation have proved vain” (Familiaris Consortio, no. 83; Amoris Laetitia, no. 241). After all, no one gets married hoping for an eventual separation or divorce. But it is absolutely okay for wives (or husbands) to seek safety and protection from abuse from their spouse, for themselves and their children. The Church’s emphasis on the dignity and sacredness of every human person demands as much.
[Editor’s note: see this document for resources and help for those experiencing domestic violence, other forms of abuse, serious mental health issues, etc.]
2.) Children can grieve BOTH their parents’ divorce AND whatever dysfunction led to it
Many of the comments on the reel compared divorce to other horrible things that children can experience, putting divorce on the “not as bad” side of the equation – divorce is better than child abuse, unsafe families, unhappy parents, etc.
In our strong and heartfelt opinion, these kinds of comparisons are so, so unhelpful.
There are a lot of bad and tragic things that children can experience in our fallen and broken world, and naming one of them – in this instance, the wounds caused by your parents splitting up – doesn’t invalidate other awful experiences. Divorce is tragic, and so is abuse, neglect, tons of fighting at home, etc. etc. They can all be bad and worthy of grieving.
Put another way: In highly toxic and dangerous situations, physical separation (and perhaps civil divorce, if needed legally) can absolutely bring positive benefits to children (and the aggrieved spouse) in terms of safety, calm, freedom from abuse or constant mistreatment, and so on. And it’s okay and completely understandable for children in those circumstances to feel grateful for those positive effects of their parents’ split.
But none of that makes divorce a good thing. None of that completely anesthetizes against the wounds that parental separation causes far into the future. We believe so, so strongly that even in such cases, it is still a tragedy and something worth grieving when your parents weren’t able to figure out how to be together in a peaceful and healthy way. With all of our hearts we want to provide a space for all adult children of divorce–no matter the circumstances of their parents’ separation–to grieve the loss that invariably came from not having their parents together (even if, again, it was not possible for them to be together and safe).
Children should absolutely be able to grieve both serious dysfunction and abuse in their families (which is never how it should be) and – if their parents eventually separate – the loss of the love of their parents together. We are here for that and always will be. Sentiments like “it could be worse…” or “you should be grateful…” exacerbate the wound of silence that children of divorce experience so often, and are dismissive of the special pain from the loss of two parents, united in one family.
3.) Divorce doesn’t always “fix” the dysfunction that caused it
Finally, we want to push back against the sense several commenters gave that divorce tends to fix whatever problems existed in the family before. As said above, sometimes parents separating can decrease day-to-day intolerable tension or animosity at home, making an appreciable difference to long-suffering children and spouses. But it would be naïve to think that divorce somehow–almost magically–takes away all of the problems or dysfunctional behavior that led to it.
Quite the contrary, in fact. Researcher Judith Wallerstein, who spent years talking with children of divorce, discusses at length in her book The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce the reality that for most divorcing couples, conflict between them continues post-divorce. The difference is, that conflict now occurs less often adult-to-adult (since the former spouses have less contact with each other), but rather through the children, triangulating them into their parents’ disagreements (see pages 87-105 in Wallerstein’s book).
Wallerstein also has important insight on the proposal – raised several times in the comment section, practically verbatim – that “better two happy parents apart than two miserable parents together.” Even when a divorce makes the parents happier (not a given), it doesn’t always mean that the children are happier too. As Wallerstein says, while it’s often true “that an unhappy adult finds it hard to be a nurturing parent…there is no reason to expect that the adult’s greater happiness will lead to a greater sensitivity or greater concern for his or her children. To the contrary, circumstances that enrich an adult’s life can easily make that adult less available to children” (Second Chances, p. 10).
The point is, we caution against the idea–at times borne out in fact, but many other times wishful thinking or willful denial of reality–that divorce always makes everything better. And even when that is true for one or both parents, it’s not necessarily true for the children (who may feel unheard in their specific grief as their parents rebuild their own lives with a certain level of excitement).
There’s much more that could be said, but hopefully these three points provide fruit for reflection. We pray sincerely for every one of the almost 17,000 people (and counting) who saw our “the wound is real” reel, and especially for all who took the time to comment. Most of all, we pray for deep and lasting healing for all adult children of divorce who have experienced firsthand the wounds caused by divorce (and many also the wounds caused by abuse and family dysfunction); we are always here for you, to hear and amplify your voices, and to provide a place to seek deeper healing from our loving Lord.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
How else can we reach those who engaged with this post?
Do you have another point of reflection you would add to Bethany Meola's list?