Child of Fear To A Child of God
What I am about to write, I accredit it all to the grace of God, and the team at Life-Giving Wounds. By entering into the wounds of my parents’ divorce, I have been given the grace to see how those wounds have affected my whole life. I have been able to name the wounds, which has enabled me to start pursuing the healing and forgiveness that I needed in ordered to grow closer to God. What I am about to write, I honestly thought I would go to my grave with, and never discuss it out loud. It is truly a grace that I have the courage to say what I am about to say. I want to share how I went from being a child of fear to a child of God.
During adoration, I often find myself praying about my struggle to know Jesus and place my full trust in Him, and about what keeps me from that. The first answer is always fear. Fear – I have allowed fear to control my entire life. I learned to fear man at very early age. Growing up fearing man, I lost my identity as a child of God, and became a child of fear. Living in fear of man, I felt unloved, unwanted, and even hated by God. These feelings controlled my life.
At the age of twelve or thirteen, I tried to commit suicide by taking a bottle of Tylenol, but I became very ill before finishing the bottle. I told my father I think I needed to go to the hospital. I never told him what I had done because I was fearful of his reaction. This was the start of a sinful, promiscuous, and immoral life. By the age of twenty-seven, I had three abortions. With each abortion my inner self was screaming no, but I was too afraid to say no. I did not know how to say no. Growing up, whenever anyone said no, or did not agree with the other person, our household became World War Three. I had to keep peace at all costs, no matter what the cost was.
Entering into my first marriage, my inner self was screaming no, but I did not know how to say no, or have the courage to say no, I do not want this life, this life in turmoil. Eight months into the marriage, my first husband died of a drug overdose. I thought God did not love me, because he allowed these things to happen to me. But it was not that he did not love me; I was so fearful of man, I could not see the good that God was doing. By the grace of God, I have rediscovered who I am – a child loved by God. A child created in God’s image and likeness: “He formed me in my inmost being. He knitted me in my mother’s womb. Great are his works.” (Ps 139:13)
Knowing all of this, why do I continue to let fear stop me from being who I am called to be? Why is it so hard to trust someone who gives unconditional love?
When I pray in adoration, the first thing that Jesus puts on my heart is “Perfect love casts out fear.” (1 Jn 4:18) Jesus already loves perfectly. We cannot ask for anything more than God himself to love us perfectly. When you look at the Divine Mercy picture, the rays that come from his heart are straight coming down to us. There are no breaks, no cracks, no broken rays. Just straight clean rays. God is pouring his love out to us without pause. It is us, when returning the rays of love back to Jesus, our rays are broken, cracked, and nicked. Those are our wounds from our parents’ divorce, and if you are like me, also from the choices I have made because of my woundedness. Those nicks, cracks, and brokenness in my love for God is where Jesus wants me to let him in, as only He can make my rays straight again.
Patience is one of the hardest virtues to have, and having patience with oneself is even harder. I cannot expect to live for years feeling unloved and unwanted, and expect these feeling to change overnight. These are the effects of my parents’ divorce. Seeing extreme turmoil at a young age and being abandoned by my mother has caused deep hurt, which unfortunately affects my relationship with Jesus. Can I love Jesus fully and know who he is, when I am just starting to learn to be my authentic but not perfect self? How do I allow Jesus into those wounds? He already knows the wounds – he does not care that I am not like a nice, pretty Christmas gift with the ribbon and bows. Truly he does not want that – He wants my messy broken self.
The more open I am to God, the more open I am to my spouse, my children, my co-workers, everyone. Being open and vulnerable is very scary, but the graces that come from being honest, being my true self, have been well worth it. Vulnerability has allowed me to have honest, fruitful discussions with my spouse, which in turn has helped us know each other on more intimate level. All my life I was searching for that unconditional, intimate love. I thought that being loved meant I had to do what my partner wanted me to do; but I learned that that’s not always the case in good, healthy relationships. When you love God, and are open to his mercy, his grace, the peace that starts pouring in, gave me all the courage I needed to say no when I need to.
Only through adoration, confession, and daily prayer will I learn to love Jesus as perfectly as He loves me. In return, I will become the person Jesus calls me to be. Someone who knows she is loved and will no longer live a life of fear, but a life as a beloved daughter of God. Perfectly made, perfectly loved.
“Perfect love casts out fear.” (1 Jn 4:18)
About the author
Teresa (a pseudonym) is an alumna of the Life-Giving Wounds retreat. She says, “I have no memory of my parents being married. After a nasty argument my mom left and did not return. It would be twenty-three years before I would be reunited with her. My brothers and I watched our father’s relationships all end in turmoil. Eventually I started to learn about God, and converted to Catholicism, finally living the life I was meant to live because I said YES to God.”
Editor’s Note:
If you are having or have had thoughts of harming yourself or others, or feel like you are experiencing a mental health emergency or mental health crisis, please do any or all of the following:
1. Call 911 or go to the nearest Emergency Department for help and an evaluation
2. Text the Crisis Text Hotline: Text HOME to 741-741
3. Call the National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: Call or text 988
4. Chat with crisis centers around the U.S.: Lifeline Crisis Chat, https://988lifeline.org/chat/
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
Have you ever felt, like Teresa, as a “a child of fear?”
What touched you about Teresa’s story?
“Why is it so hard to trust someone who gives unconditional love?”
What does being loved mean to you?
What would you say to Teresa if she was your daughter?