Esto Vir: Be a Man Unafraid to Confront Wounds

“Esto Vir! Be a man!” This was the motto of a men’s group I was a part of in college. The group would meet once a week to discuss one of five pillars - prayer, brotherhood, chastity, fortitude, and self-sacrifice - and to support each other in the trials of college life. The foundational text of the group was a small book called The Way, by St. Josemaria Escriva, which gave one thousand short exhortations to assist us in the Christian way of life.

The DeSales chapter of Esto Vir wrote a song, which I would play on the guitar at every meeting. Once a month, we would go down the street to the Copperhead Grille for “Sweet and Sweaty” wings and a Shirley Temple instead of the regular discussion-based meeting, and once a year we underwent a strenuous “Week of Fire!” 

The Week of Fire consisted of staying up late (or getting up in the middle of the night) to gather at a Mary statue for a short meeting and a rosary. We met at 1 am on Sunday night (technically Monday morning), 2 am the next night, 3 am the next night, 4 am the next night, and finally 5 am Friday morning. It was the worst! But we did it to offer a spiritual sacrifice with and for each other. We had a knighting ceremony at the end of that week, complete with a sword. When we would see each other outside of the group meetings, we would often use our motto to challenge each other to complete feats of daring. Once, from across the quad, I yelled, “Hey Caleb! Go climb up the side of that brick building! Be a man!!”

Being part of a solid group of guys was so affirming. Together, we reflected on an essential question: What does it mean to be manly? 

I recall this men’s group because it was through experiences like this that certain conceptions of mine were challenged and transformed. We all know that to be manly means to be strong, to be tough, to be courageous. An easy image to picture for this is a soldier: he’s got muscle, he carries a weapon, he lays down his life to save his country and family. However, if we start with this image and push further, we can see that, yes, strength is characteristic of masculinity, but masculine strength can be applied in so many more situations that just protecting our homeland. For example, it takes great strength and courage to ask someone for help. There are many situations in which keeping something to ourselves, to the point where we flounder, is cowardly. To humble ourselves and ask for help when we do need a little help is precisely the manly thing to do. It’s easy to keep something in. It takes great courage to make oneself vulnerable and say, “I’m struggling with something. I need a little support, or a doctor, or some directions, or some money, or an accountability partner. Will you help me?”

Let’s turn now to Life-Giving Wounds. The typical body of participants on a Life-Giving Wounds retreat or support group is about 75% female and 25% male. I wonder if it’s because women naturally tend to be very attuned to relationships and their own interior lives. I wonder if it’s also because men think that this wound is just an emotional thing: “I’m a man, and as such I need to put my own feelings and pain aside and be strong.” 

If this is the case, I would like to lay down a challenge to the men out there who have heard about this ministry and thought something along these lines. Listen up: parental divorce is objectively upsetting. If you’re human, it affects you! And it would be a real sign of your maturity, your lion-heart, and your security in your manhood if you were to go on a retreat and dig deep. Don’t run from this - it’s too important. You don’t want to bring unnecessary baggage into your current relationships.

And don’t think that it’s selfish to take yourself and your pain seriously either. Think of a team. A Premier League soccer team will only be able to put the ball in the back of the net if all 11 men on the field are healthy and doing their job. If one man is injured, the whole team suffers. If you are injured by the wound of parental divorce but are too afraid to seek healing, your whole team suffers. Join us for a retreat or join one of our groups. Do it for the team.

I lay down this challenge to men because I totally get it and I used to think that way myself. In fact, it took me several years knowing about the retreat before I went on it. Where you are now, I once was; where I am now, you soon could be!!

A lot of professionals from a lot of different fields have worked together to compile a complete analysis of the effects of parental divorce and the way the children can recover. Aren’t you the least bit curious about what they found? About what we can do for you? What if there was a better life experience waiting for you? What if there was a way to start shedding the burden that weighs so heavily on you? What if you could be incorporated into a community who will listen to you, a group who “gets you,” a group who won’t judge you or be scandalized by what you would share? What if I told you that the people I have seen in these retreats and groups are some of the most thoughtful and considerate people I’ve ever met? Yes, there is hardship, and there will continue to be a lot of struggling. But the compassion, insights, and care of the people in this ministry never ceases to amaze me. 

In sum, I challenge you to man up. Esto Vir! Be a man!

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Alex is an adult child of divorce. He graduated from DeSales University and spent a year teaching theology at DeMatha Catholic High School in Hyattsville, MD. Alex went to graduate school at the Pontifical John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family in Washington, D.C., where he completed the Master of Theological Studies degree and coursework for the Ph.D. He is now employed by the Office of Marriage, Family, and Respect Life at the Diocese of Arlington, where he now serves as the retreat leader for Life-Giving Wounds in Arlington.