Insights from Attachment Theory for Adult Children of Divorce (Part 1: An Overview of Attachment Theory)
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Attachment—I used to think of it as a bad word, something we must avoid at all costs. I believed that attachment and feelings of dependency were signs of weakness, and I wanted to be strong. I thought Catholics needed to be detached from all things in order to serve God. I was mistaken. Thanks to the healing journey of counseling I have come to understand that God created us with a capacity to be attached to other people in a healthy way. Healthy attachments are actually good and necessary in order to develop and flourish as human beings, made in the image and likeness of God.
I love reading psychology books and when I started reading about Attachment Theory, it was a game-changer. Not only did it give me a language to express my inner experience, it gave me a framework to better understand my wounds and the path to healing. Attachment Theory is a goldmine of insight for understanding the dynamics of relationships. Part One of this four-part series will present an overview of five of the key concepts of Attachment Theory.
Concept 1: The parent-child relationship is fundamental.
In the womb, we exist in a state of radical dependence and this dependence continues after birth. We cannot live if there are no arms to welcome us, no hands to hold us, no person to care for us. This biological dependency is also an emotional necessity. We need to feel that we are loved and wanted. The infant has an inner capacity and natural drive to be emotionally attached to his or her caregiver in a unique and lasting way. Neuropsychologist Dr. Dan Siegel writes that infants develop a sense of well-being and safety from “predictable and repeated experiences of care.” This is what the pioneer of Attachment Theory, John Bowlby, called a “secure base.” (Parenting from the Inside Out, 105). Developing a sense of safety and security is the key to Attachment Theory. Having a “secure base,” is what allows the child to grow, develop, and feel confident in the world.
Concept 2: The parent-child relationship is foundational—it lays the groundwork for future relationships.
Trauma expert Dr. Bessel Van Der Kolk writes, “Children become attached to whoever functions as their primary caregiver. But the nature of that attachment—whether it is secure or insecure—makes a huge difference over the course of the child’s life … Attachment patterns often persist into adulthood.” (The Body Keeps Score, p.113, 118). John Bolby noticed that the attachment between a parent and child had a lasting influence on the child’s ability to form future relationships later in life. He coined the term “Internal Working Model” to explain how the degree of security or insecurity between a parent and child unconsciously influenced a child’s expectations. The parent-child relationship affects a child’s ability to form friendships, regulate emotions and handle stress, as well as understand themselves and their world. That is why Dr. Siegel calls attachment “a foundation for how a child comes to approach the world” (Parenting from the Inside Out, p.105-106). It is not surprising that children who are well cared for and have their needs met have an easier time forming healthy relationships and satisfying friendships with others later in life; whereas children with an insecure attachment to their parents tend to have unstable and unsatisfying relationships as they grow up.
Concept 3: A secure attachment is based on a parent or caregiver meeting certain needs.
In order to foster a secure attachment parents must be sensitive to the child’s needs and feelings and must appropriately respond to the child’s cries for help. Parents must be willing to truly get to know their child and show interest in him or her. They must also be able to to engage the child’s emotions to calm and comfort when in distress as well as accept their child’s negative emotions without reacting negatively. Finally, they must strive to heal any wounds or ruptures in the relationship (“The Big Six,” Adam Young Counseling). Not all parents are able to meet the physical and emotional needs of their children in a way that leads to a secure attachment. Children whose needs are not properly met can develop an insecure attachment towards their parents or caregivers.
Concept 4: Attachment bonds are characterized by six components.
Thanks to the pioneering research of psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, we know that the most fundamental attachment relationship is between a parent (or primary caregiver) and a child. In Attachment-Focused Parenting: Effective Strategies to Care for Children, Daniel Hughes lists the six components of attachment relationships that Bowlby and Ainsworth discovered in their research. The attachment relationship is:
Persistent or ongoing, not temporary
Directed toward a specific person
Emotionally significant
Directed toward maintaining contact with the other
Characterized by distress during periods of involuntary separation
Characterized by seeking security and comfort (Hughes, 2009, p.9-10)
Young children interact with their attachment figures in a set of characteristic ways. These patterns have to do with proximity-seeking behavior (wanting or needing to be close) as well as distress management (looking to the attachment figure for soothing and security).
Concept 5: Divorce disrupts attachment bonds.
Divorce disrupts the attachment between a parent and child. Divorce often hinders a parent from being attuned and available to the child. If a parent is preoccupied with his or her own emotions and problems, the parent cannot provide the safety and security the child needs. No matter how strong a relationship is with a parent, if he or she is no longer near, no longer available to comfort and soothe, the child loses the most important connection and that loss is profound, it is traumatic. Attachment injury occurs and the child feels insecure. Separation from a parent is distressing for a child. If a child is unable to maintain contact with his or her parents, or only has contact on an irregular basis, it causes a deep attachment injury and insecurity in the child.
Conclusion
In this first part of the series, we have begun to explore some of the main components of Attachment Theory, such as the necessity of a secure relationship between parent and child. In Part Two, we will delve more deeply into the Psychology of Attachment and the implications for mental health. Part Three will explore the Neurobiology of Attachment and how our brain and bodies are wired for connection. Finally, in Part Four we will explore the Theology of Attachment as it relates to our relationship with God.
About the author:
Emily Rochelle graduated from Franciscan University of Steubenville with a Master’s in Catechesis and Evangelization in 2021. Having experienced her parents’ divorce while she was in elementary school, Emily has a heart of compassion for those who suffer and a deep desire to bring the healing love of Christ into people’s lives. She lives in Wisconsin with her husband.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
Are you familiar with Attachment Theory? If so, how has it impacted how you think?
What are your take-aways from Emily’s introduction to Attachment Theory?