Navigating Boundaries as an Adult Child of Divorce (Part Four: Tips for Setting Boundaries)
The first three parts of this blog series laid the groundwork for understanding boundaries as they relate to ourselves, to others, and to God. Now, the fourth and final post in this series will discuss how to create and maintain healthy boundaries.
Although it may be obvious, it is important to acknowledge that boundary work can be difficult. Usually when we have come to a place in our own lives where we realize that boundary lines need to be drawn, we have already been through some type of healing process. Whether that is long term therapy or simply a deeper pondering of our relationships, we are ready for a change. Although we have come to this place and may be eager for healthier relationships, it is often the case that the person(s) we are setting boundaries with is/are not yet at this place themselves. They may have never even considered that the relationship was dysfunctional and in some cases, the dysfunction might actually be serving them in some way.
This knowledge of where others might be coming from may help you to understand their reaction to your boundary proposals if they are less than enthusiastic. However, even though you may have more compassion for them because of this understanding, be careful of falling into a “caretaking” role as this is often the reason for setting boundaries in the first place.
The following are fifteen tips on how to set boundaries.
Remember that boundaries are not about controlling other people, lording it over other people, shutting others out, or punishing others for hurting us. Rather, they are about living in truth, living in health, living closer to how God intended us to live, and honoring the self that God gave us (which we discussed at length in the first post in this series). Ultimately, boundaries are about becoming persons who love, in the truest sense of the word.
Be clear about your needs. Clarity will help both you and the other person with the boundary setting process. You may choose to focus on one main thing initially instead of a laundry list of items that may overwhelm both of you.
Be straightforward and do not act as if your boundary setting is causing a burden. For example:
Do: “If you call me names while I am visiting you, I will leave and our visit will be over.”
Don’t: “I’m really sorry I feel this way, but I’ll have to leave if you call me names. I hope you can understand and won’t feel resentful toward me.”
Be specific. For example: “If you berate me while we are talking on the phone, I will hang up the phone. You are welcome to call me later when you are able to speak to me kindly.”
Consider writing a letter instead of talking to the person. You can let the person know in your letter that the reason for your writing is simply to be able to articulate yourself fully and that you are open to talking once they have read and processed the letter. (If you are setting a hard boundary for a toxic person however, you may not want to follow up in person, but just outline the boundaries clearly in the letter).
Explain your boundary requests in a matter of fact, unemotional way. Although there are likely many emotions attached to your decision, it is usually unhelpful to engage with the other person emotionally as this tends to compromise the clarity of your desires and risks putting you in a caretaking role. Please note though, that unemotional does not mean cold. Rather, simply state your limits in a neutral and calm way. This can be very difficult to do if the other person becomes upset, but realize that your ability to remain unreactive is already sending a message to them that you are no longer going to respond to them in unhealthy ways and maintaining your composure actually itself sets a boundary.
Be prepared for possible push back from the other person. If this happens, you may listen respectfully to their thoughts and feelings (if they also deliver them in a respectful way; if not, calmly let them know that you are going to end the conversation if they cannot treat you kindly). Ultimately however, it is important that you remain unemotional and convey the message that you set out to deliver, having thought/prayed about it beforehand and having determined it was the best course of action.
If you are asking for some space from the other person, think about giving a possible time frame of when it is ok for them to contact you again. For example, “I need some space from our relationship in order to process some things and to re-establish new ways of relating. A good amount of time for me would be six months (for example). I’d like to ask you to please not contact me during this time, but I would like to connect with you again after that to see if we can begin to have a new relationship.”
If within the select period of time the person does contact you, you may choose to either not respond or to remind them of your request. For example, “I asked you to honor my space by not contacting me for X amount of time. I am reminding you of that request and letting you know that I will not respond to you after this until that time period is over.” If you yourself decide that you don't quite need the amount of time that was originally decided, you can reach back out to them and let them know. However, before doing this, be absolutely sure that you are ready. Talk with your therapist or a trusted friend first who knows the situation and also knows you well so that they might weigh in on your readiness.
Realize that you can only control your own actions. However, this does not mean accepting toxic behavior or verbal (or other) abuse. For example, you can’t make the other person stop yelling at you. But you can leave the situation if they do. You can choose not to interact with them if they treat you poorly.
Recognize that high levels of toxicity call for high levels of boundaries. The more toxic/abusive the person is, the stronger your boundaries will need to be. It is not sinful to draw a hard boundary – even to the point of cutting the person from your life – if they are abusive toward you. False guilt can often keep us in a place where we feel unable to cut ties and fear can often paralyze us, but if you have made the difficult decision to cut a toxic person from your life – with the help of trusted others and bringing it before the Lord – then realize that you in fact are pleasing to Him for declaring that His precious creation (you!) will no longer be exploited.
Don’t worry if you aren’t perfect in your delivery of boundary setting. For example, if you start to become emotional while speaking with the person, instead of feeling like you failed or did it wrong, you can either take a deep breath and keep going in an unemotional way, or let the person know that you need to continue the conversation another time.
Consider practicing boundary setting with a trusted friend or therapist before having the actual conversation. This will help you to gain confidence and to think about possible responses that might trigger you.
Ask someone you trust to intercede for you during the boundary setting conversation. The power of prayer and its ability to change hearts cannot be underestimated. Even if the conversation is difficult, at the very least, you will know that it has been offered to the Lord and that it is now in His (very able) Hands.
Remember that boundary setting can be an ongoing process. You may need to revisit the topic and reevaluate the health of the relationship. Do not be surprised if the process is a long one. You spent a long time relating with the other person in a particular (dysfunctional) way, so it may take a while to learn to relate in new ways. In the meantime, be proud of yourself for making healthy choices!
Finally, as Adult Children of Divorce or Separation, realize that boundary issues are especially hard for us. We explored this point in part two of this series. Although we do not remain victims because of this, we can have compassion on ourselves for not having received the proper family model to understand relationships. We do belong to the family of God however, and we ask the perfect family models – the Holy Family and the Holy Trinity – to intercede for us, and to teach us how to love.
May God, for Whom nothing is impossible, help you to navigate all of the relationships in your life so that you may be fully alive as a person, in your relationships with others, and in your relationship with Him.
About the author
Dr. Jill Verschaetse is a wife, mother, and licensed clinical psychologist. Although much of her work is currently at home, focused on mothering her own young children, she continues to do part-time work through psychological consultation and speaking engagements. Dr. Jill is also a child of divorce and a graduate of the Life-Giving Wounds retreat. She is honored to be a part of the Life-Giving Wounds traveling retreat team, and she and her husband Dr. Nate Verschaeste serve as psychological advisors for Life-Giving Wounds.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
Have you set boundaries before? Did they look like those on the list?
Where, or with whom, are some places, or persons, you need to set boundaries?
How will you approach setting boundaries with people in your life where they are needed?