“This is Divorce” - A Take On Divorce And The Wounds It Can Present Through The Lens of The Emmy-Awarded Show “This is Us”
The Emmy Award-winning show “This is Us” recently completed its sixth and final season. This show has done a terrific, oftentimes emotional job displaying life, family struggles, and moving on after great hardships in a family. I am often so touched at how the show navigates the rawness of grief in such a palpable way.
For those of you who didn’t have your DVR’s scheduled for the weekly time-slot on Tuesday nights, I’ll tell you (spoiler alert!) that the show hinted for a while at Kate Pearson and Toby Damon experiencing struggles and unfortunately leading to a separation, and then divorce.
Their relationship started after the couple met in a weight loss program. Both had struggled with body image issues and weight gain their entire lives. Toby was quick on his feet, witty, energetic, and seemingly a perfect match for Kate.
But what happens after the newness of marriage wears off and the couple faces unimaginable struggles? Kate and Toby experienced infertility, while the doctors seemed to point at Kate’s weight being a factor. Kate struggled with losing the weight, whereas Toby was excelling in his weight loss journey and seemingly leaving Kate in the dust with little to no consideration. Finally, Kate was able to conceive. They ended up with a son who was born blind, and upon taking baby Jack home, Kate immediately felt the stress of new motherhood. Toby shut down, not knowing how to handle the stress, and started working longer hours leaving Kate to navigate the trials of motherhood by herself.
In the most recent (and final) season, Toby received a promotion out of town, and ended up moving to San Francisco while Kate stayed home alone with Jack. Kate, having to fend alone for her little family, created a world for Jack where his disability did not affect him. In this world, the little boy thrived. Viewers watched as this mother adjusted beautifully to her son's disability, leaning into her new life. Toby continued to put in long hours at work away from his child and bride, and missed out on pivotal moments of bonding with both of them.
The last straw is when the show follows Toby at his high pressure job. He is bringing home a lot of money, and tells Kate the only way they will be able to work on their relationship is if she and Jack uproot and move to San Francisco. Kate has since picked up a job at a local school teaching music classes to the visually impaired. We see Toby rolling his eyes in disgust whenever she mentions her job, since it does not pay well. Despite this, Kate is feeling more and more at home with her new role. The reward of helping her students out is two fold, and we start to see her confidence grow, which in turn leads her further and further away from Toby.
After several therapy sessions, a blowout in their front yard, and lots of tears, Kate decides that she and her partner are simply two different people now. Neither wants to budge for the other, which causes lots of conflict and stress. They realize that they simply grew apart, and aren’t what each other needs anymore.
While it was difficult watching the disintegration of Kate and Toby’s marriage, Producer Dan Fogelman and his team of writers do an excellent job depicting divorce through the eyes of a child (in this case, Jack). In one episode, the couple is yelling and fighting, and there are a few ways toddler Jack intervenes and tries to stop them. Later, after a difficult day where he ends up in the hospital, he puts his arms around both his parents and says, “You’re both here.” In the span of the show’s many flash-forwards, viewers see young adult Jack at an event. Both his parents show up for their child, albeit separately. This same sentiment little Jack said is echoed, twenty odd years later: “You’re both here.” We see that even though several years have gone by, Jack has never stopped yearning for some normalcy, wanting both his parents to be present and together with him.
Indeed, an adult child of divorce never stops yearning for normalcy and family togetherness, because that is where the “picture perfect” view of a family comes from. Deep rooted insecurity is the feeling of not being normal, when other friends go off to one Christmas celebration, we have two to attend, for example. As an adult child of divorce, everything separates, and normalcy is beyond reach.
Another topic that “This Is Us” depicts beautifully is the strength of siblings. Kate breaks down and confides in her two older brothers regarding the condition of her marriage. The two brothers stop everything they are doing and just be with their little sister. Although they don’t have any magic words of wisdom to give to her, simply being there in support for their little sister is more than enough.
If I could change one thing in regard to “This is Us,” it’s that every time one of the Pearson’s navigates a family issue, no one ever discusses God or turns to the Church to help them cope. There isn’t ever any mention of a “higher power” or a discussion revolving around a spiritual life. Little or nothing is mentioned about how God can help you walk through trauma dealing with divorce, loss, and family issues. It’s amazing the power Christ has to transform our wounds when we allow Him to intervene.
The final season of “This Is Us” could be hard for adult children of divorce to watch, for sure. But I appreciate the focus the series does bring to how divorce affects children, and their desire for their parents to just be together. That’s a message worth sharing.
About the author
Hope calls sunny and warm Atlanta her home. Her parents experienced hardship later in life after thirty-five years of marriage, and are currently separated and in the beginning process of divorce. In her spare time, she loves sewing, journaling, singing, attending Jonas Brothers concerts, and riding the peloton. On Friday nights you can often find her at a Braves game cheering on her hometown team. She is a graduate of Valdosta State University where she majored in International Business. Her brother is a seminarian for the Archdiocese of Atlanta, and she has loved watching her family become closer to the Church and Her sacraments as a result of him following his call to the priesthood. She attended the Life Giving Wounds retreat in Atlanta during the spring of 2022. Hope is so thankful everyday to have stumbled upon this ministry and has experienced such graces and healing as a result of being courageous and taking the leap to attend the retreat.
Read from more Hope at her blog: https://reflectherheart.org/
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
Have you seen This is Us? If so, what are your thoughts generally on the show and its depiction of family life and divorce? Does it resurface any of your experiences?
Do you struggle with “deep rooted insecurity?”
If you were to advise a television producer about depicting the effects of divorce through entertainment media, what would you say? What would you ask they include and exclude?