Caregiving of our elderly parents
Rogier van der Weyden, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
When my parents got on in years and I realized they would be needing help, I became filled me with anxiety and fear that I would have to care for them in one way or another. My father had remarried but my mother never remarried and was by herself. I am the only child of their marriage;I felt completely stuck. My own mind frame was that I could never place either of them in a home for the elderly. I searched my heart for months and I accepted how I felt about this situation and made a decision. I realized that if I did not take care of them my guilt would have been much worse than I had experienced in my life. My father remained at his home with home health care and I oversaw his care. My mother eventually spent the last nine months of her life at home with my husband and me. (Please note that I am sharing my personal experience and each ACOD has the choice to determine what is best for them in their own situation.)
My family and I saw my mother every single day; she could not live without seeing us daily. She had no other relatives of her own except for us: my husband, my two children and their families, and me. When she was unable to drive, I would pick her up every day and bring her to our home until nighttime when she would be taken back to her home. I was her grocery shopper, her driver for all her medical needs and so forth. This went on for years and my family supported me in all these endeavors. Regarding my father, his wife was also sick so she couldn’t help out at all. I became my father’s transport to all medical visits for about three years and during that time he frequented the ER regularly so that meant spending time there with him. My father’s younger brother would help out when possible, and my young step-brother would travel down from another state to help out during the hospital stays. In the long run, our sibling relationship became stronger.
I found myself frequently asking Our Lord how long all this was going to last because I felt a heavy burden on my shoulders. My family of origin was taking a toll on me. It was very hard for me to cope with so many things at the same time but I managed as best I could. I went through moments when I thought I would not be able to comply. My biggest fear was that I would have to bring both my father and my mother to live in our home. That thought frightened me tremendously and kept me awake many nights. I felt a whirlwind inside my heart but I also kept reminding myself that nothing lasts forever, that all this was temporary. I knew I could do this with Our Lord’s strength on my side. I denied my desires so I could help out. I felt a tremendous sense of duty towards my parents and I reasoned that God had wanted to give me life through their union regardless of what I had to experience because of their divorce. I felt the need to be obedient to Our Lord and that in itself was the force leading me all the way. Sure enough, time passed. My parents died within fifteen months of each other. My father passed away at his home with my husband and I at his side. My mother, who was then living with us, passed away at our home with my family rushing to her side. I physically closed both of my parents’ eyes upon their passing. I felt that I had survived all the suffering and hardships that had been placed on me, and because of my perseverance, I ended up being a better person.
After their passing, a new phase in my life started knowing that even though I did everything as best as I could for my parents under my own ACOD circumstances, I was not as loving as I would have liked to be during those moments. I had decided throughout that time that I had to put all my hurts aside with the help of Jesus and his Blessed Mother so that I could help them. I began to see them as God’s children and recognized that I did not know much about their own sufferings and childhood relationships with their own parents and other family members as they were growing up in their own families of origin. This helped me to see them differently.
After their deaths, I felt a sense of freedom and peace I had never experienced before. This sense of being free from the constant reminder of being a child of divorced parents was difficult for me because I felt guilty. All of a sudden, I did not have to feel the fear of their seeing each other, or the comments I had to keep from them and so forth. I became cognizant that I would never have been able to care for them had I not been totally immersed in God’s Word. I had to hold on to Jesus’ hand constantly without letting go. He was the force within me that kept me going through all those years. It was very important for me to receive the Sacraments regularly: Confession, Holy Communion and to attend Mass weekly without fail (cf. Can. 1247). Also, it was important for me to spend good quality time with my own family and sometimes with friends.
My advice to any ACOD encountering the caregiving of their elderly parents would be to first take a good deep inventory of yourself, maybe with the help of a spiritual director, your confessor, or a friend that knows you and truly understands your situation as an ACOD. This will not be an easy time for you. You will probably experience anxious and stressful moments. Beware of those who immediately try to provide answers to your present dilemma. You are the one that has to make the decisions you feel are necessary and best for you and your parents. Remember, many do not understand ACODs nor our ideas nor our emotions. Be strong and persevere in Our Lord. Listen to your heart and not to the world. Listen to God’s Word as you reflect on it. Dedicate time to prayer, in front of the Blessed Sacrament, when possible, attend Mass weekly, and receive the Sacraments. Let Confession and Holy Communion become your strength and your way to trust even more in Jesus. I learned that when times are tough and I thought I had no time to pray, I had to double up on prayer and develop an even better relationship with Jesus and His Blessed Mother. I became creative in finding time to pray. I think of what a beautiful gift I was able to give my parents by offering my caregiving experience for the repose of their souls. I gave Our Lord my best intention of trying to be the child that He wanted me to be. Be assured that your caregiving efforts will be well received by Our Heavenly Father as we help our parents in their time of need. We are never alone; God is always with us.
“O Lord, you have searched me and know me!
Where shall I go from your Spirit? Or where shall I flee from your presence?
I praise you, for I am wondrously made.
Search me, O God, and know my heart! Try me and know my thoughts! And see if there be any wicked way in me, and lead me in the way everlasting!”
About the Author:
Graciela Rodriguez and her husband have been married for 53 years. They have two adult married children who have given them one granddaughter and two grandsons. She completed her MA in Pastoral Ministry in 2016 from Barry University. Her pastoral project, Maestro, ¿dónde vives? Vengan y vean. La Dirección Espiritual, caminando con Jesús, was published in 2017 by the Piarist Order in their journal Analecta Calasanctiana. Graciela also completed her MSW in 2000 from Barry University. She currently facilitates a Life-Giving Wounds support group in Miami, Florida and is an alumna of the Life-Giving Wounds retreat. You can find a previous blog on the Fourth Commandment by Graciela here: Honoring your father and mother.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
If you have cared for an elderly parent, what has your experience been? What lessons did you draw from your experience that you feel comfortable sharing with others?