Dealing with Financial Uncertainty as an ACOD: My Experience in Going From Striving to Thriving
Alessandro Allori’s St Peter Walking on the Water, Public domain, via Wikimedia Commons
Divorce is often financially devastating to divorcing parents (especially moms) as well as to their children. The financial uncertainty that may come from our parents’ divorce or separation can shape our attitudes towards money and affect our sense of abundance. Money is a sensitive subject for many (not just ACODs), so what I am about to share comes from my own experience, which may be different from yours and may not resonate with everyone.
I have two purposes in sharing my story in dealing with the financial uncertainty caused by my parents’ divorce. First, whatever may resonate with you may affirm that you are NOT alone. Also, my story has been a journey with Christ – filled with unexpected twists and turns, but also hope and joy. That hope and joy comes from believing in His Resurrection and knowing that one day, we will share in it. By sharing my story, maybe I can share some of that hope and joy with you.
Consequences on our parents from divorce
We may see our parents struggle financially by paying child support, maintaining two separate households, or giving up good jobs to relocate in order to live near us. What I witnessed was my mom having to “start over” financially.
My mom left a twenty-year marriage – in which she always had an income from a full-time job and contributed equally – with only the clothes she was wearing and anything she could fit in her old car, in which she drove away. My dad got everything else, including our family home and ultimately four rental properties they invested in together while married. In almost forty years of joint ownership, my father exclusively managed the properties, never shared a penny of rent, and, recently, threatened to sue my mom (on her birthday, no less) for unjust enrichment. Any suit would have been frivolous, but my mom almost immediately signed over everything to him. Her condition for doing so, however, was that he have no contact with her – ever.
Lessons learned as an ACOD
For my mom, peace and freedom from strife—by signing over her share of “those stupid rentals”—was worth more than money. For my dad, “no contact” with my mom was the cost of getting those properties. Was the value of those properties worth the cost of losing his relationship with her – his only wife, the mother of his only child, and the grandmother of his only three grandchildren? Luke 14:28-29 comes to mind. Did my father calculate the cost of whatever he thought he was building? What was it all for?
Relationships have more value than money: In my marriage, I value my relationship with my husband more than money. St. John Chrysostom has stated, “Have no concern for money. Love your wife more than you love your own life. Never be at odds, but be true.” Concern for money put my parents “at odds” over their joint investments. St. John Chrysostom’s quote comes from a Life Giving Wounds “Wisdom on Wednesdays” post by Alex Wolfe in the LGW online community. At the end of Alex’s post, he states, “The point of course is that it is the responsibility of both men and women to remain laser-focused on the goal: live for Christ, and be fiercely faithful to each other in love.”
Stay Focused on Christ: In addition to relationships having more value than money, so is following Christ and remaining “laser-focused” on the goal of living for Him, regardless of vocation. Think about the life of Matthew, the Apostle, a tax collector who probably had considerable financial security in his position. Yet, he gave up his wealth, financial security, and ultimately his life, because following Christ and entering the Kingdom of Heaven has greater value – the pearl of great price! (Matthew 13:44-46).
Striving Financially as an ACOD
If your parents divorced when you were an adult, like mine did, you may have experienced strife over paying for a wedding or a car. For me, my parents fought over who paid for what while I was in law school, including the cost of the postage stamp used to mail my monthly check! My parents’ contention over petty things affected my image of God the Father, who cannot be outdone in generosity (see Matthew 19:29). If my parents argued over who paid an extra few pennies to help support me, I certainly could not rely on them to provide anything, including financially.
After law school, I had student loan debt and I struggled to find a job. Once I got a job, it did not work out, I could not find a job at another firm, and I was prohibited from contacting clients. I could not count on my parents for support, much less for money to start my own law firm, which had become my only option. So I looked to God, to Christ, and His Church—not for a “hand-out” but for something better—for teaching and confidence in Him to provide, according to His will. (1 Timothy 6:17-19, Matthew 19:29) If it was part of His plan for me to open up my own law firm, He would give me the means to do it. Meanwhile, I had to step out in faith, which is what I did.
Trust God to do “His Part”
My parish was offering a Crown Financial Ministries program: a Christian program that teaches people how to save, budget, spend, tithe (cf. Can. 222 §1), manage debt, and invest according to Christian Biblical principles. Crown did NOT sell financial products, nor advise people on how to invest their money or suggest how to make more of it. Instead, Crown taught me how to be a good steward through scripture study and accountability in a weekly small group setting.
In running my solo law practice for ten years, according to what I learned in Crown, my clients valued me and my service, which had integrity, and I never received (nor asked for) a penny from my parents. I never became “rich,” although that was never my goal. Yet, I always paid my rent on time, generously compensated my employees, and I always paid off my credit card in full every month (because Crown taught me, if you cannot afford it when you want it, do not buy it!) I only closed my law firm because I got “called up” to active military duty after 9/11 (one of those unexpected twists Christ placed in my journey).
Looking back, I believe that if it were not for Christ leading me to Crown, I would not have survived the financial uncertainty I faced after my parents’ divorce. Not only did I learn how to be a good steward, but most importantly, I learned to trust in Him to provide in ways my divorced parents could not. St. Paul writes, “Tell the rich in the present age not to be proud and not to rely on so uncertain a thing as wealth but rather on God, who richly provides us with all things for our enjoyment.” (1 Timothy 6:17–19). Yes, He did provide, but only after I did my part as a “good and faithful” steward.
Doing “My Part” as a Good and Faithful Steward
In the Parable of the Talents, two servants were “good and faithful servants,” not just because they doubled the Master’s money—although that helped. They were good stewards because they trusted the Master and stepped out in faith to make the most of what He gave them. In return, these good stewards were given more and they “shared in the Master's joy.” (Matthew 25:14-30)
Thirty years after taking Crown’s course, I believe that if it were not for trusting Christ to be with me and learning how to do “my part” as a good steward, I would not have more than fifty cents saved today, now that I am married, have raised three boys, and our family of five has had to live on a single income. We are still not “rich,” but our family is comfortable, we have enough, and we are content. “If we have food and clothing, we shall be content with that.” (1 Timothy 6:8) I went from striving to thriving through His help. If Christ could do this for me, He can do that for you, too. Here are two ways to thrive:
Thriving by Being Self-Sufficient
St. Paul writes in Philippians 4:11, “For I have learned, in whatever situation I find myself, to be self-sufficient.” To be financially self-sufficient, I have become fairly sophisticated at investing, managing debt, budgeting, and long-term planning for major expenses, such as our house, cars, and our sons’ education. You may, too.
Maybe you are frugal and live within your means. Perhaps you save money by cooking at home instead of eating out. Maybe you hold off on getting a newer model car for just one more year. Perhaps you turn off the lights every time you leave a room to save on your electric bill. Or, you buy things from thrift stores, only when they are on sale, or through Extreme Couponing.
2.) Thriving through Good Stewardship of Things Other than Money
Time: One way I tried to be a good steward of my time when I practiced law was by being impeccable in accurately accounting for my “billable hours.” Perhaps you pride yourself on never being late and showing respect for your co-workers by starting and ending meetings on time. If you have children, maybe you are sure to drop off and pick up the kids on time, never keeping them waiting.
Resources & His Creation: In the 70’s, there was a musical jingle I remember to this day – “Reduce, reuse, recycle.” I lived by that slogan growing up and continued to do that as an adult many years before every house had a recycling bin. Maybe you are mindful of your stewardship of the Earth’s resources. In the Laudato si’ Action Platform, Pope Francis said, “[L]et us take care of our mother Earth ... let us cultivate respect for the gifts of the Earth and creation.”
Conclusion
“I know indeed how to live in humble circumstances; I know also how to live with abundance. In every circumstance and in all things I have learned the secret of being well fed and of going hungry, of living in abundance and of being in need. I have strength for everything through him who empowers me.”
As you may see from my story, like St. Paul, I have lived through times of abundance and times of need equally well. But “the secret,” according to St. Paul, is relying on Christ as the source. He is the source of our self-sufficiency, of our resourcefulness, and of our abundance. With Him as our source, we can do all things through He who strengthens us.
Bonus Video:
Intercessory Prayer:
St. Matthew the Apostle, disciple of Christ, you wrote, “For where your treasure is, there also will your heart be.” (Matthew 6:21). Help us keep our hearts fixed on Christ, who is our true treasure.
Author’s Note:
A link to Crown Financial Ministries is embedded if anyone is interested in its program. Feel free to check it out to see if the program may be right for you, as it was for me long ago. I am also happy to answer any questions about my experience with the program. My email address is EudoraJayneACOD@gmail.com.
About the Author:
Eudora Jayne is a pseudonym and means “good gift” and “God is gracious.” The author is married and is the proud mother of three sons, who are all miracles. She lives with her husband and youngest son in Northern Virginia.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals:
How has God blessed you, financially or otherwise, after you stepped out in faith in Him and after you have done your part to be a “good and faithful steward”?
What are some ways you have been a good and faithful steward of the talents God has entrusted you with?
What are some of the ways God has provided for you in the face of financial uncertainty from your parents’ divorce or separation?
What are some of the ways you have thrived after facing financial uncertainty because you trusted Him and journeyed with Christ?