Five Ways Priests and Church Leaders Can Help Adult Children of Divorce (ACODs) Heal
Highsmith, Carol M. [between 1980 and 2006]. Stained-glass window at St. Dominic Catholic Church in the southwest quadrant of Washington, D.C. [Digital image]. Library of Congress Prints & Photographs Online Catalog. https://www.loc.gov/pictures/item/2011636381/.
Suffering is a fundamental and even beautiful part of being human. It has the potential to inspire compassion, empathy and deep love. At times, it also has the power to cripple us and take our breath away. And yet, “Deep within every human being lies sleeping the knowledge that one can save one’s life only by losing it, that one finds himself by forgetting himself, that there is no freedom as long as he remains fixed in the prison of his own small desires and superficial feelings.” (Fr. Wilfried Stinissen, Eternity in the Midst of Time) Thanks to Christ’s sacrifice on the cross, suffering is transformed. Suffering is something that has the power to free us from desperately trying to preserve our lives and our hearts by remaining closed off to the world and others and instead be open to life-giving love. The cross remains; Saint Gianna Berretta Molla reminds us, "One cannot love without suffering or suffer without loving.”
Where does one learn how to love and how to suffer? In the family, for better or for worse. Pope Emeritus Benedict XVI, when he was Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger, observed in a Holy Thursday homily, “It is the home, the family, which provides protection; in other words, the world always needs to be defended against chaos, creation always needs shielding and recreating…The home, the family, is life’s protective rampart, the place of security, of ‘shalom,’ of that peace and togetherness which lives and lets live, which holds the world together.” When the home is shattered by the brokenness of divorce, one must boldly turn to the Church. And so, for those leaders in the Church who come into contact with adult children of divorce, here are five ways that you can help bring them Christ’s healing truth.
Remind them of their deepest and truest identity.
Long before we saw the redefinition of the family in the frightening ways of today, the family was pierced by the acceptance of no-fault divorce. This has left the last several generations with a deep identity wound; instead of turning to Christ, many attempt to find their identity in false, shallow, and ever-changing narratives – everything from defining oneself by taste in music or one’s career and accomplishments, to (re)defining oneself according to one’s sexual orientation or constructed gender. There is even a trend of teenagers (outside of the adult fetish) (re)defining themselves as animals. A friend’s niece goes to a high school where several students dress as the animal they identify as; they are known as the “furries.” To be honest, I am so very grateful that when I experienced my own identity crisis, partly due to my parents’ divorce and partly because identity crises are increasingly a rite of passage for those in their early 20s, the trend was to go “emo,” and maybe dye your hair or pierce one’s nose. I can’t imagine trying to navigate questions about the deepest truth of my being in 2021. And so, for those currently in ministry, be merciful, be patient, and be THE place of authentic love to which ACoDs can turn to rediscover that they are indeed good, that they are worthy of love, and that God has a plan for their lives today. A few years ago, when I was catching up with an old spiritual director of mine, I thanked him for patiently ministering to me in college and saving my life in many ways. He responded very simply saying, “I knew you would go where you were loved.” This did not mean he turned a blind eye to poor decisions I was making or presented the faith in a way that allowed me to pick and choose what suited me. Rather, Christ, through him, invited me to the fullness of love. It didn’t mean an end to my suffering; it meant a way through my suffering accompanied by the One who loves me most and it gave meaning to my suffering. The world clearly does not know how to suffer; it wants to convince us that we are one purchase, one career choice, or one technological advancement away from freedom from suffering. When ministering to ACoDs, direct them back to the richness of who they are, what they are made for, and what they are capable of; anything less is simply not truth.
Let the Church, specifically God’s grace, be the foundation they are seeking.
In 2008, Grassroots Films released a gorgeous documentary on the human person titled, The Human Experience. It followed the story and unique journey of a young man, Jeffrey Azize, and his brother Cliff. Towards the end, as the film is reflecting on the meaning and significance of the family, Jeff laments how coming from a broken home left him with no foundation. Similarly, attachment theory suggests that when babies feel securely “attached” to their parents, they are more likely to confidently explore the world around them. In her book Hold Me Tight, Dr. Sue Johnson explores how adults too need to feel securely attached to the important people in their lives (and even to God), to become the best versions of themselves and find contentment in their relationships.
Adult children of divorce may feel as though the very foundation of their lives has been rocked or even destroyed with the loss of their family as they knew it. It can be difficult to discern and commit to decisions that seem to come naturally to others – be they about plans after high school, what interests to pursue, what career to build, or the vocation to which one is called. There’s some truth to all of the cliché Hallmark movies about returning home to find yourself again. When one has loving parents, you can always return to the place their love has created to be affirmed in who you are – whether you have succeeded or failed or are still wandering. As Jeff Azize put it, adult children of divorce have no “backup.” The Church must not only affirm their goodness and intrinsic worth, it must also emphasize that God’s grace, available through the sacraments of the Church, is there to sustain and uplift them. Even if we come from a good home, we need His love as our sure foundation. We need Christ as the “cornerstone” of our lives and beings to realize our full potential, especially in a culture that tempts us to settle.
We need to know that we belong, that the Church is our home.
This leads to another wound that many adult children of divorce carry; they often feel homeless, like there’s no place where they truly belong. Many feel torn “between two worlds,” as Elizabeth Marquardt explores in her book of the same name. If one or both parents have remarried and had other children, they may feel on the outside or like misfits. If the divorce caused the family to leave the Church (or perhaps faith was never a part of their lives to begin with), ACoDs may feel fatherless and/or motherless. The Church has the opportunity to offer them a sure home and place of belonging, a place they can return to again and again to be affirmed in who they are, to receive the love of Christ through spiritual fathers, mothers, brothers and sisters, and to experience life’s joys and sorrows in a community.
My very first weekend away from home at a secular college, well before social media or even websites, I somehow found my way to Mass that Sunday. As I walked in the door, one of the campus ministers asked me to hand out the bulletin. It may seem silly, but that simple act made me feel not only welcome, but like I belonged there. And not only that, but I had a role to play, a purpose. Invite adult children of divorce to explore their natural gifts and talents and find their place of belonging and purpose in the Church.
We need to know that healing is not a one-time event…and that’s okay.
Though we may have a powerful conversion or a dramatic experience of God’s love, deep and abiding healing takes place gradually. It’s tempting to want to simply put our wounds behind us, for once and for all. I spent most of my twenties in some sort of therapy, thinking that if I put in the time and work while I was single, I could then freely give myself to whatever vocation to which God may call me. As I wrote about in my very first LGW post, I was shocked when living out my vocation as a wife and mother reopened wounds I thought I had left in the past for good. I neglected to realize that we will never truly be whole this side of Heaven; rather, our crosses are our very paths to Heaven. This leads to my last and final thought on ministering to ACoDs.
We need ongoing encouragement and support in our state of life.
Whatever our current state of life, we need encouragement and support as we discern God’s will. For those who are single, there may be a real fear of marriage and even religious life. I’m pretty sure the reason my former spiritual director attended my wedding Mass was to make sure I didn’t run out the door. I’m only half joking. A month before my wedding, right after I had submitted the deposit on what would be our first apartment, I had a total meltdown. Luckily, one of my brothers was there to talk me down. The weight of what I was about to enter felt like too much to bear. How could I trust I was making the right decision? I had no blueprint, no confidence in my ability to know God’s will, and a paralyzing fear. I knew marriage wasn’t about just marrying my best friend. It was about God leading me to the person with whom I would seek to be worthy of eternity, and me saying yes, making a daily sacrifice of myself, never measuring the cost. As a married woman, I still panic at times. Even though I know on an intellectual level that God’s grace is present sacramentally in my marriage, at least for me, it has taken years to really see and believe it.
For those in religious life or called to the priesthood, they have someone regularly checking in on them and encouraging them through spiritual direction. It is much harder to find that kind of support as a lay person. If you don’t have the time (or feel like you are not the best equipped) to regularly reach out to the adult child of divorce in your ministry, connect him or her with someone who can be a source of empathy and encouragement. And of course, you can always encourage them to attend a Life-Giving Wounds retreat or small group, or at the very least take advantage of the resources on the Life-Giving Wound website as a first step. Thank you – for your prayers, your ministry and the sacrifice of your time and talent.
Intercessory Prayer:
St. Gianna Berretta Molla, pray for ACODs, and help us to remember that "One cannot love without suffering or suffer without loving.”
About the Author
Shaina Pia lives in Connecticut with her husband and children. Prior to receiving her Masters in Theology of Marriage and Family at the John Paul II Institute, she worked as a medical journalist having obtained a Bachelor degree in Journalism from Boston University. After briefly working for a diocese in New England, she taught high school theology for eight years and now works as a stay at home wife and mother.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
What stood out to you among the five ways? Are there any you are in present need of? Are there any you want to learn more about?
Reflect on the Church as a home. Do you feel at home? If not, what would help you feel more at home? How can you help others to feel more at home?
Would you add anything else to the list?
For priests and church leaders: what would you add to this article, and how can you apply it to your ministry?