Upon entering religious life, I tried to hide in the coping mechanisms that had worked for me growing up, such as people-pleasing and anticipating others’ needs. I desired to please the Lord, could follow community customs and was good at serving others. Not only was I good, but was praised for my attentiveness to the needs of others and my generosity in service. As I continued further in formation, those coping mechanisms started to unravel and the truth of the pain I was in surfaced.

Jesus Makes Us Whole

I have heard divorce described as an “ontological wound,” a wound at the very core of our identity. Our parents who created us divide, and so we in turn feel divided. This is certainly strong language, but I think it puts a finger on the intimate and vulnerable wound experienced by adult children of divorce. The pain of the wound can lead us to cry out to God for healing.

What’s in a name?

From day one it seemed like my parents were divided over my name. Well at least my first name because both of them shared the same last name before marriage. Each parent wanted me to be named after their dad. As a result, one side of the family calls me David and the other Andrew. By the time I was four, this division was complete and definitive by way of their divorce. As most children of divorce, I certainly felt divided and split in two; exemplified by my two different beds, two different sets of clothes, two different sets of toys and two different first names.

The Other Side of Forgiveness

During Covid some people learned to bake bread, some planted gardens, others drank too much wine. My Covid experience was time with Father God, Jesus Christ and the Holy Spirit, fully aware that they were changing me. I became like the unrelenting child who asks too many questions. But my unrelenting was a prayer, “Heal my heart, Lord. Please heal my heart.” He did it when he knew I was ready.

Listening to Taylor Swift as an Adult Child of Divorce

I remember making an entire ritual and event when Taylor Swift released “Mine” in 2010, the single from Speak Now. I curled up on the couch and put in my earbuds, pressing play with all the pomp and circumstance a fifteen year old could muster. It was the first time Taylor was releasing a single since I fell in love with her music—but that wasn’t why I remember that moment so vividly....

The Good Divorce vs. The Great Divorce

Trevor Jimenez’s animated short "Weekends" is a striking narrative that conveys the trauma of parental divorce in such imagery. The autobiographical film tells the story of a young boy spending weekdays with his mother and weekends with his father. Although the boy seems fine on the outside, his inner turmoil is exposed through a series of dreams and struggles.

"The Soul of Shame" in my life: A book review & testimony

"The Soul of Shame: Retelling the Stories We Believe About Ourselves," by Curt Thompson, has been an important part of my healing journey. I picked up the book on the recommendation of a friend and a deep desire to dig into the pain of shame that was touching every part of my life. My heart was sore. I was on the path of recovery from habitual sin that had infiltrated my life for half a decade.

Book Review, First-Person, Healing JourneyKaraDecember 6, 2022Life Giving Woundsconfession, identity, mental health, retreat, therapyComment

Attachment Styles and the Psalms for ACODs

If you find that you do not fit under the category of a secure attachment, know that hope abounds — attachment styles can change! Through engaging in nurturing relationships with close friends or a spouse — and especially our Lord — you can become more secure in your attachments.

PsychologyAva RosierOctober 30, 2022Life Giving Woundsprayer, identity, PsychologyComment

Overcoming Childhood Emotional Neglect (or the Real Hope Jamie Could’ve Had)

To give you a picture of what [childhood emotional neglect] might look like in real life, here’s my own CEN story: My mom (your mother is usually your primary attachment figure) has had schizoaffective disorder since I was about six years old. She was too deep in her own mental and emotional roller-coaster to be a stable presence.

Grief, Identity, and Security

Grieving our lost identities in childhood and in our everyday lives can help us heal. At the same time if we recognize our need for security in our obsessive search for self, and realize that God is the only true source of security and steadfast love, then we will know who we are.

Healing JourneySandra HowlettSeptember 4, 2022grief, identity, deathComment

When Your Parents Divorce, It Sticks with You

The Catechism says that “divorce brings grave harm . . . to children traumatized by the separation of their parents and often torn between them” (2385). Traumatized is not a word to employ lightly, and its usage indicates the Church’s acknowledgment that divorce has deep and long-lasting effects on children that deserve attention and healing.

Advice, Relationship AdviceBethany MeolaAugust 14, 2022trauma, identity Comments

Unmasked

Being a very proud person, I have struggled a lot, knowing that my husband knows all about my weaknesses and failings—and yet at the same time I have a very deep desire to be totally known and loved. This poem explores this theme, while also touching on the grief of losing our fifth child at 22 weeks last year.

Book Review: "Interior Freedom" by Fr. Jacques Philippe

Jacques Philippe’s Interior Freedom is a small, simple, easy-to-read book that, like his other works, packs a powerful spiritual punch. Through this book he teaches us how to overcome our daily struggles. He examines our weaknesses from many angles, like the facets of a diamond, and shows us how our fears and rebellion against reality keep us from being truly happy.

Book ReviewSandra HowlettMay 22, 2022Life Giving Woundsidentity, love, forgiveness, self-worthComment

Overcoming Pornography Addiction as an ACOD: Part Two

Porn and masturbation were supposed to be behind me. They were things from the past, when I had been a foolish teenager. Now I was a faithful Catholic studying theology on scholarship. What would people think? It's one thing to disclose a past addiction to those you love. It's another to return to admit that the past isn't even past.

Doing Things Well: Work and Identity as an ACOD

"Work is for man, not man for work. Everyone should be able to draw from work the means of providing for his life and that of his family, and of serving the human community” (Catechism of the Catholic Church, no. 2428)

Healing Journey, First-PersonJennifer CoxApril 17, 2022Life Giving Woundsidentity, workaholism, self-worth, adoration, prayerComment

5 Invisible Wounds an Adult Child of Divorce May Experience

If your parents are divorced or have split up, you’re not alone. While family breakdown can impact a child’s life in several noticeable ways - such as being more likely to grow up in poverty, more likely to drop out of school, and more likely to experience emotional or behavioral problems - it’s harder to see the invisible wounds that can last into adulthood. But these wounds are no less real...

AdviceBethany MeolaMarch 27, 2022Life Giving Woundsdivorce happy talk, self-protection, identityComment

Forgiveness: Why Is It So Hard?

Forgiveness is hard. I can attest to that. I was born angry (by the looks of my baby picture!) and my parents’ divorce cemented that anger even more. I was the queen of holding grudges; I literally held them for years. But that was before I reverted to Catholicism, and I heard about forgiveness on a daily basis through the Lord’s Prayer and the teachings of Jesus.

Against All Odds: Christian Identity, Spiritual Healing, and Childhood Wounds

I learned to forgive my father over time. It started with a question, “How can I forgive him?” and developed from there. I realized that he had done what he thought was right, and that he never meant to harm me. Even though I felt rejected and abandoned by him, I knew that he never stopped loving me, and realized how much I had stopped trying to love him.

Grieving Your Parents’ Divorce

I’m fifty-fife years old, and up until recently I spent most of my life after my parents’ divorce in pain and not knowing why. I also spent my life running from that pain— into the arms of men, towards the bottle, and literally running for exercise, all of which gave me a brief reprieve from my problems.

Five Ways Priests and Church Leaders Can Help Adult Children of Divorce (ACODs) Heal

When the home is shattered by the brokenness of divorce, one must boldly turn to the Church. And so, for those leaders in the Church who come into contact with adult children of divorce, here are five ways that you can help bring them Christ’s healing truth.

AdviceShaina PiaNovember 18, 2021Life-Giving Woundsleaders, freedom, suffering, St. Gianna Berretta Molla, identity, therapy, vocation, marriage, religious lifeComment

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