How to Get Through a Rough Patch in Your Marriage
Image Title: After marriage
Date Created/Published: c1900.
Summary: Couple under umbrellas with backs to each other, both with downcast eyes, woman forlornly holding single rose to nose.
Rights Advisory: No known restrictions on publication.
[Editor’s Note: Many married adult children of divorce harbor fears within their relationship that a difficult time will end in divorce; and many unmarried ACODs fear not knowing how to navigate marital difficulties, since their parents were not able to get through those times intact. We offer this article for advice and encouragement. This article was originally published on the Grotto Network's website on July 3, 2023, and is reposted here with their permission. An archived version of it can be found here. We have made minor edits to the original.]
No couple gets married looking forward to being unhappy in their marriage. But no couple avoids times in marriage where one or both spouses feel unsatisfied, restless, lonely, or just plain unhappy. Does that mean they have fallen out of love? Should they doubt their commitment? What should an unhappy couple do about their unhappiness?
At the outset, we should say that the advice below is intended for couples feeling unhappy in an otherwise functional and mutual relationship — where the dissatisfaction ranges from “mild” disconnections and disillusionment to more serious instances of working through resentment, deep hurt, damaging habits or addictions, etc. This advice is not intended for anyone experiencing abuse or domestic violence in their relationship, for whom safety is of paramount importance.
Proactively seek out help
The best piece of marriage advice we have ever received was that married couples are not meant to go it alone. Marriage may be between one man and one woman, but those two need the help and community of others to thrive. It is a dangerous temptation to think that we should white-knuckle it through challenges and never share vulnerably with others (especially for the sake of appearing to “have it all together”).
All marriages need the ongoing support and friendship of other couples committed to making their marriages last. And many couples (us included) benefit at times from professional counseling, like when they feel especially “stuck” in a relationship deadlock, or are dealing with residual trauma, addiction, etc.
It cannot be emphasized enough that there is no shame in going to therapy as a couple (or alone). In contrast, being willing to seek help to get through a rough patch shows tremendous humility and courage — and is an investment in a happier future together.
Realize that things can get better
In one fascinating — and very encouraging! — study, 10,000 couples were asked to rate their marriages on a scale of “life in hell” to “heaven on earth.” Then researchers returned to them five years later to ask them to evaluate their marital quality again.
Of the couples who initially rated their marriages as “life in hell,” 81 percent were still together five years later, and — most encouragingly — the majority said they were now happy. The same study found that of the couples who had ended up divorcing, fewer said their happiness level improved.
Difficult circumstances change, and people can grow. Moving forward into a happier marriage is not always easy and takes some effort, but it is certainly possible.
Take baby steps forward — and celebrate them
When you enter a rough patch in your marriage, it can feel overwhelming. Some people in particular find it easy to fixate on every little way a relationship needs to change: he does not listen well; she spends too much; he does not get along with my family; she is too focused on the kids; and so on. Especially if issues have been avoided for a while, attempting to change things can feel like facing a tsunami.
It can help to together choose one small thing to work on — and then celebrate progress in that one area. It might be working intentionally on active listening skills (as awkward as that may feel), or it might be building in one-on-one attention rituals to feel more connected.
Despite not being able to improve everything all at once, marriage is for the long haul, and we can celebrate even tiny-seeming ways we embrace change for the sake of our beloved.
Beware of over-prioritizing emotions
No doubt, our emotional well-being is important. But consider that many things in life other than marriage are not always fun or happy: our jobs, keeping up a household, paying down debt, maintaining long-term friendships, etc. All of these situations have their bursts of buoyant joy, but also their times of drudgery. And all these commitments remain valuable and worthwhile even when we are not “feeling it.”
In those times of feeling unhappy in marriage, or maybe when we’re just not feeling much of anything toward our spouse, it can help to remember that the commitment to our marriage is still worthwhile. Put another way, love can still be expressed and received without “warm fuzzies.” In fact, love can be all the nobler if it is done when we are not feeling particularly affectionate toward the other person (a phenomenon any parent can attest to as well).
We can strive to kindle and rekindle happy feelings in our marriage — what a true joy those times are! — without idolizing the feeling of happiness, or sacrificing good things in its pursuit.
Think of your kids
Finally, we propose that for married couples with children, perhaps the best reason to stick it out through rough patches is for the sake of your children. There is ample evidence of the damaging effects divorce has on children, long into the future — and that includes children from both low-conflict marriages and high-conflict marriages.
It can be tempting to think, “My kids will be happier if I’m happier”; or, “I want them to see a better relationship than this one.” But any couple considering calling it quits should take the time to read testimonies of now-adult children of divorce to see the perhaps-surprising ways that losing out on a unified family can impact children for years to come.
There is a nuance here we do not want to oversimplify — our advice is not simply to white-knuckle years of misery “for the sake of the children”; again, with the right support, most struggling marriages can find a new, happier stage. But, if the relationship’s future is in question, do not make a decision without honestly apprising the deleterious effects divorce would have on the children involved.
Lean on your vows
It takes courage to invest in a commitment that does not seem to be nourishing you in return. But you shared vows at your wedding for this very reason — those promises can be just the nudge you need to reach toward each other in stormy weather.
And know that you are not alone. God is love, and participates in our lives when we commit ourselves to one another in love. Invite God’s help in your struggle — God is faithful and will be a source of strength.
Prayer for married couples:
For one couple:
O God, who in creating the human race
willed that man and wife should be one,
keep, we pray, in a bond of inseparable love
those who are united in the covenant of Marriage,
so that, as you make their love fruitful,
they may become, by your grace, witnesses to charity itself.
Through Christ our Lord
Amen.
For more than one couple:
Almighty and eternal God,
You blessed the union of married couples
so that they might reflect the union of Christ
with his Church:
look with kindness on them.
Renew their marriage covenant,
increase your love in them,
and strengthen their bond of peace
so that, with their children,
they may always rejoice in the gift of
your blessing.
We ask this through Christ our Lord.
Amen.
(These prayers were found on the USCCB site here.)
About the Authors:
Bethany Meola is the co-founder and co-director of Life-Giving Wounds, together with her husband Dan. She holds a masters of theological studies from the Pontifical John Paul II Institute for Studies on Marriage and Family in Washington, DC.
Dan Meola is the co-founder and president of Life-Giving Wounds. His full bio can be read here.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
For those who are married, what rough patches have you worked through in your marriage? What unique challenges, in your opinion, were those that stemmed from your parents’ divorce or separation?
If you are not married, and are discerning marriage as your vocation, what comes to your heart and mind as you read this article? What expectations do you have for your marriage?
For readers in the priesthood and Religious Life, what advice in here relates to your communal experience? What rough patches have you had to work through in your vocation?
