Doing Things Well: Work and Identity as an ACOD
“In work, the person exercises and fulfills in part the potential inscribed in his nature. The primordial value of labor stems from man himself, its author and its beneficiary. Work is for man, not man for work. Everyone should be able to draw from work the means of providing for his life and that of his family, and of serving the human community.”
I have been staring at this blank page for weeks. It’s on my heart so much to dive into work, jobs and how we ACODs can have a bit of a struggle with them. Many of us can have unhealthy attachments to jobs or a work-life balance that is, well, unbalanced, which can lead some to workaholism. I feel called to speak into that.
These are ideas, struggles and truths that I have been wrestling with for the better part of eight months. When I bring this to prayer or begin to journal about this, my biggest, deepest struggle would ring out loud: I believe that my purpose is to ensure my parents are okay.
Oof. That’s a big one. I know. Maybe not what you were expecting?
First, I want to say, this is my own experience, obviously. Hard work, long hours, ambition, and achievements are not synonymous with having an improper work-life balance, or even workaholism. Personality, drive, our individual experiences, and life situations all play a part into our relationship with work/jobs. There is much debate in the world of psychology (of which I am not an expert) about what the definition of workaholism is. Most experts agree that one can be addicted to work. According to Healthline, “People with a work addiction may be unable to stop the behavior despite the negative ways it may affect their personal life or physical or mental health.” It seems that, as with most addictions, people work compulsively to “avoid other aspects of their life, like troubling emotional issues or personal crises” or, I think it’s safe to say, deep wounds or pain. I have never been diagnosed with a work addiction, but throughout my many years of therapy, work-life balance and seeing my job as defining the value of my life has been an area of major focus.
I share this to ensure we are on the same page here. While addiction might not be part of my story, you will see how disordered core beliefs about work, achievements and doing well have been a struggle of mine for a very long time. If you think you may struggle with addiction, please be sure to reach out to a mental health professional as soon as possible.
Alright, let’s dive in, shall we?!
As I mentioned earlier, for the last eight months, these struggles have smacked me in the face. Why? Well, I took a leap. Last year I sold my condo, quit my job and moved to another state to live with my best friend and her family. With no job lined up (nor do I currently have a job).
It had been on my heart for a while: to do something. The wrestling, the struggle with my job, the longing for something else. I had been putting it off, but I couldn’t ignore what the Lord was revealing in my heart from the stripping away that 2020 was and I felt the strong pull at the beginning of 2021 to go for it. And I did!
I’m proud of myself for doing it, but man. It has been yet another way for the Lord to strip away the layers of myself to reveal more areas of healing. The move itself, going from no roommates to six (four of whom were eight and under!!), finishing out my job remotely and the upending of what had been my normal. It was a lot!
And incredibly jarring. With so much transition and change and an incredibly busy/stressful last few months of work, I woke up on that first non-work Monday feeling relieved, excited and incredibly grateful to have made it. High fives all around! Yet, it was startling. I had been in “go, go, go” mode for five months and then BOOM, nothing.
In the weeks following, I would literally find myself pacing in my room. I had a difficult time regaining any sort of routine. Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love(d) the freedom to run out for errands, hang out with the kiddos, sleep in, read, spend lots of time in Adoration, discern my next steps and help with LGW’s Instagram without regard to my job. It’s all such a beautiful gift!
And yet my mind would be swirling with doubt, fear, shame…
This is crazy.
This was a stupid decision.
This is such a waste of time.
I am such a burden to my friend and her family.
I am irresponsible.
I didn’t hear the Lord correctly.
I need to find a job, but what should I even do?
You get the idea. I felt like I needed to get a job so that my life could feel comfortable again. But, why? I resisted diving in at first. I didn’t want to face it. Everything felt so uncomfortable already (and a bit out of control, even though I had put myself in, and wanted, my current situation); why would I want to dive deeper into this? Deep down, I knew this is why the Lord was calling me for such a radical break. This is what He wants to heal.
I finally began to open myself up to this question of why? Why do I constantly feel the need to look at available jobs, figure out what’s next, find a “good” job, etc.? It’s deeper than the practical things of supporting myself or having insurance. With some help from my therapist, I realized I believed that having a job was “everything.” If I could find the perfect job (ha!), then my life would fall into place. I could prove my worth, value and goodness.
For as long as I can remember (probably since around age seven when my parents divorced), doing things well was incredibly important to me: good grades, following the rules, practicing hard with swimming, going to college, and getting a good job. I didn’t want to rock the boat. I didn’t want to add any more stress in my parents’ lives. My mom worked hard as a single mom in a fairly stressful job. My dad bounced around from job to job for many years. Fortunately, I never went without necessities; my parents worked hard to provide everything that I needed growing up! However, I learned quickly that I had to keep my head down, work hard, get into a good college and have a successful career to ensure that my parents were just fine.
And I did! I am proud of all that I have accomplished throughout my nursing career. Yet, I never seemed to be content. If things with my job were stressful or frustrating or I didn’t accomplish the tasks I wanted, then I was stressed, frustrated, felt I was inept at my job, or felt that I was a failure. So long as my job was going well, then my life was good! I was good. And when it wasn’t, the rest of my life felt upside down, too.
My purpose - my identity - was found in what I did well. If things aren’t done well, then I am not living out my purpose. Of course, if I am constantly striving to do things well and I am constantly striving to live out my purpose by doing, I am never going to be content or at peace with the life that I am living. Who I am, at my core, has been holding onto a disordered belief, a lie, for the better part of thirty years: my purpose and identity are rooted in doing things well for the sake of my parents.
And for the last eight months I have been face to face with this lie.
It is painful.
It is uncomfortable.
This particular wound is deep. This lie has infiltrated how I see my value in the world, my worth, and how I make decisions. Detaching and unraveling thirty years worth of disordered beliefs about who I am. Oof, this will take time.
I cannot do anything to prove my worth, value or goodness.
I am worthy, valuable and good because I was created by the One who is good. My value does not change if I do something well or not. My purpose is rooted in Him, first and foremost.
I can say this with confidence and believe it so deeply for others. But, I am beginning to realize, this Truth is at constant war with the lie that I have believed for thirty years and absolutely gets in the way of my ability to believe, trust and know it to be true.
It is a daily battle.
It is learning to trust myself.
It is reframing my thoughts on what productivity looks like.
It is making decisions based on what I want, and not what I perceive as best for my parents.
To do this, I have to continue to spend time with our Lord. Like, really spend time with Him, the One who is truth, beauty and goodness. Because I have the time, and am very blessed to have a close-by Perpetual Adoration chapel, I have increased my time in front of our Eucharistic Lord immensely, making daily visits since Lent. This, by far, has had the most positive impact in how I view my daily life. The fruits have been so beautiful that I don’t think I will be stopping any time soon!
Obviously, daily Adoration isn’t realistic for everyone, but I do highly, highly recommend carving out time with Our Lord and asking Him the question, “Who am I? How do You see me, Lord?” and see what flows from there. Begin that conversation. Write it out, rebuke the lies, and ask the Lord to remind you of your true purpose. Repeat it daily.
A few other things that have been helpful for me: praying the Surrender Novena (I have done multiple rounds of this back to back recently!), acknowledging and listing out authentic forms of love in my life (to remind me that I am loved, just as I am, not because I need to do things well), sharing some of my struggles with close friends I trust, and praying for others.
This is not an exhaustive list, nor have I truly figured things out! I am walking this road right alongside many of you. As with all healing, it’s hard, uncomfortable and takes time. I pray that I will soon be able to live out what the Catechism says, “work is for man, not man for work,” with a clear picture of who I am and who I was created to be.
About the Author
Jen is a nurse by profession, however, she is most proud to be called a friend, daughter, godmother and aunt! As an adult child of divorced parents herself, she is passionate about Life-Giving Wounds and desires so much for all children of divorce to heal from this wound. After attending her first LGW retreat in 2018, Jen listened to the Lord's prompting to stay involved. Currently, Jen co-manages our Instagram account, serves on the traveling retreat team, assists with support groups and occasionally writes for the LGW blog. She is also a contributor to Primal Loss: The Now-Adult Children of Divorce Speak. She has a heart to sit with others in their pain and to encourage them in their healing!
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
Do you struggle with work/life balance? Did either, or both, of your parents?
What layer(s) is Christ working in in your life? What is He trying to strip away to make room for something else, or for Himself?
What role does work play in your life? What is the significance of your current work to your life’s end?
Do you make decisions based on what is best for you (and your family), or for someone else, such as your parents?