Forgiveness: Why Is It So Hard?
Searching for Forgiveness
I forgive the sun not shining
The moon’s midnight arising
I forgive the thunder ringing
Why can’t I forgive you?
I forgive the wind’s bitter bite
The geese their winter flight
I forgive my fingers their frostbite
How can I forgive you?
I forgive the years laid wasting
My heart always hesitating
I forgive my body aching
What if I forgave you?
Forgiveness is hard. I can attest to that. I was born angry (by the looks of my baby picture!) and my parents’ divorce cemented that anger even more. I was the queen of holding grudges; I literally held them for years. But that was before I reverted to Catholicism, and I heard about forgiveness on a daily basis through the Lord’s Prayer and the teachings of Jesus. Not that it was any easier. I still had (and have) a long way to go in learning to forgive, but I then had a moral imperative to do so. I wrote the above poem as an attempt to start the process of forgiveness. Why can’t I? How can I? What if I forgave you?
Pride and Identity
So why is it so hard? I believe one main reason is because forgiveness is tied to other emotions and fears that can become part of our identity: shame, blame, self-righteousness, pride, anger, fear, self-protection, hopelessness, and self-pity. When we take on a victim mentality, which includes anger and blame towards others, that victimhood becomes part of our identity. Forgiveness would require us to consider whether we too share some of the blame for the broken relationships in our lives. We don’t want to forgive because we fear losing a part of ourselves. Who am I without this anger? But most of us know anger harms us more than it harms the object of our anger. When I went on my first silent retreat, it was after many years of trying to grow in the virtue of forgiveness. I picked up a book titled Seventy Times Seven by Johann Arnold and read this impactful quote that says it best:
“Nothing withers the soul more than an unforgiving spirit—the poisonous product of pain and pride that craves revenge under the guise of justice.”
Just Anger
As someone who reverted to Catholicism after many years away from the Church, I tried to reconcile the imperative to forgive with my feelings and wounded relationships. While I love my Catholic faith, it is still challenging to live it. It is easy to misconstrue Jesus’ commands as they apply to our own lives, and believe we have to hide or deny our anger in order to be good Christians. Forgiving is not just a matter of dismissing our own feelings or needs, or “getting over it.” We are not sinful because we struggle with forgiveness; we are hurt and broken. Anger in itself is not bad—it can help us identify our true feelings, and often is a neon sign that an injustice has been done. Even Jesus got angry, turning over tables in the temple when the merchants were selling wares for money in God’s “house.” In the book The Dance of Anger, Harriet Lerner writes, “If we feel chronically angry or bitter in an important relationship, this is a signal that too much of the self has been compromised.” It’s good to analyze our recurring anger to learn more about our needs and better define boundaries in our relationships.
Forget “Forgive and Forget”
Most adult children of divorce understand that we are never going to forget the pain of our parents’ divorces, yet many people profess the “forgive and forget” adage. We don’t need to forget in order to forgive. Remembering our pain and forgiving anyway is a more powerful spiritual exercise by far: We need to remember so that we can recover our identity. We need to remember so we can break the cycle of divorce. We need to remember so we can help others who struggle. We need to remember so we can praise God for all the good he has brought from our pain. In the Bible, the Jewish people continually tell the story of their struggles so they can praise God for their deliverance.
Forgiveness is Healing
We know from a moral standpoint that we ought to forgive others. If actually forgiving is difficult for you, consider the personal benefits to forgiveness, including peace and freedom. Your anger and unforgiveness can keep you stuck, never free from the grip of your enemy. Severing these ties of unforgiveness that bind us is spiritually and physically liberating. Forgiveness isn’t condoning a person’s actions, or letting them off the hook, and it is not denying the pain. It is shifting our perspective and allowing us to remember without reliving it day after day, without having to make someone pay for our pain. Although our parents caused us much harm, they harmed themselves as well. We are all victims of our own sinfulness, the sins of our parents, and the culture of divorce.
Forgiving Yourself
When we think of forgiveness, we mostly think about forgiving others, but there are many people and circumstances we need to forgive. In my own journey, I needed to forgive my parents for putting me through years of suffering from the divorce; to forgive my friends and family for not recognizing how much I was hurting; to forgive God for not giving me the family I wanted and deserved. Just as importantly, I needed to forgive myself for not being the person I wanted to be, for not being able to forgive, for being stuck in self-pity, for being “too sensitive,” for holding onto self-protective behaviors that hurt myself and others, for immoral behavior from these coping mechanisms, and for “wasting” so much time being broken.
How to Forgive
Confession
The first step to forgiving someone is to go to confession. Wait, are you sure? Yes, if you want to forgive others, you much first go and confess your sins to our Lord. It sounds counterintuitive, but much of the spiritual life is. (e.g., Give your life away to find it. Love your enemies). You may be thinking, “But I’m not the one to blame, why do I need to go to confession?” It’s a fair question, and the answer is to repent from the ways we may have contributed to ongoing brokenness in the relationship. God has a plan and he knows what is good for us even if we can’t see it. If we are struggling with forgiveness, we may have hardened our hearts towards the person we need to forgive and even contributed to the division in the relationship. Going to confession makes us more aware of our own faults and sins, allowing us to have more compassion and mercy towards others for their mistakes. It also brings us into the presence of Jesus who will fill our emptiness and pain with his loving, healing grace. Confession is a sacrament, which means it was designed by Christ for our sanctification and is a place where we can encounter Him. If you are struggling to forgive, there’s no better way to begin than going to our Lord.
Follow the Commandments
The commandment to love our neighbor can help us in our quest to forgive, but we can’t do it alone. We can’t love the unlovable or forgive the unforgivable without calling on the supernatural love of Jesus to help us in this difficult endeavor. When I was struggling with forgiveness, I relied on this command and on the commandment to honor your father and your mother. I decided to honor my father even in the absence of love and forgiveness, trusting in the efficacy of the commandments and Jesus’ teachings more than my own understanding.
Have a Vision for Your Life
I can’t offer you 10 Easy Steps to Forgiveness. Much of forgiveness is still a mystery to me. All I can say is that after years of feeling “stuck” I started to crave freedom more than revenge, more than being right, more than my own ego. I wanted to have a life of love, abundance, and joy. Perhaps having a vision for the life you want to live and the person you want to be can be a starting point for you.
In God’s Timing
As much as we would like to forgive and can even berate ourselves for not being able to, sometimes we just aren’t ready. We may need to do some spiritual and psychological healing first, and work on our boundaries and identities before we can get to a place of forgiveness. Like anything in life that we want to move faster, we can’t fast-track our healing process. God has a plan for us, and it will happen in His time. But we can keep praying about it, reading spiritual and secular books on forgiveness, and continue making efforts to forgive. We shouldn’t become discouraged because it’s too hard, our egos are too invested in being right, or we don’t believe it is possible. Forgiveness is a choice, but also a grace. Fully embracing the Church, the Sacraments, and the teachings of Christ can open us up to receive that grace. If you’re struggling to forgive someone in your life, start by asking yourself, What if I forgave you? Then trust in God’s supernatural grace.
About the Author:
Sandy grew up in Southern California where she spent her time camping, surfing and horseback riding. She earned a B.A. in journalism from Cal State, Long Beach, and has written for Black Belt and Boys’ Life magazines and various community newspapers. She has been married for twenty years and now lives in Minnesota with her husband Mark. She has a blended family with two stepsons, one who earned his Masters in Theology, another who is a talented musician, and one son in seminary.
Sandy rediscovered her Catholic faith upon moving to Minnesota nine years ago, and in the last two years has begun the healing process from her parents' divorce. She has been retired since 2019. She is also a Life-Giving Wounds online retreat leader.
Reflection Questions for Small Groups or Individuals
On forgiveness in your life, ask these 3 questions from the author: “Why can’t I? How can I? What if I forgave you?”
Where interiorly do you feel angry? What, or whom, is the object of that anger?
In what areas do you need to forgive yourself?
Is anything keeping you away from the Sacrament of Penance and Reconciliation?
How does this poem speak to you?